Monthly Archives: September 2008

Sep 18

holy shit

I … um … didn’t realize how fat I’ve gotten.  Really.  In my mind I’ve just been kind of going along at the same rate that I’ve always been going, you know, maybe gained a little bit here and there, but no big deal.  But I was just looking at pictures of me from when Darwin was first born, and then pictures of me now.

Holy shit.  It’s no joke just exactly how much weight I’ve gained.  Jesus.

Well, there you go.  Wake up call extraordinaire.  Nothing for it but to do it.

Sep 17

the waiting game

Friends and family,

Thank you all very much for your support.  I have recently been receiving an incredible outpouring of love and well-wishes and offers of help.  It’s wonderful.

But let me please say this … I have not made any decisions.  I don’t have any plans for leaving J, and so I have no immediate need for help.  Knowing that everyone is there to support me is wonderful, and helpful, and lets me know how widespread my safety net is.  But really, no decision has been made in either direction, and that’s how it needs to be right now.  Any questions about decisions simply make me feel pressured into doing something, anything.

So please, continue to let me know that I have your support, but don’t ask me what my plan is.  For right now I don’t have one, but if and when there is one, I will gladly share it.

XOXOXO

Sep 11

I’m feeling incredibly sad today.  I wish that things were different, that each day didn’t somehow feel worse than the next.  I’m just exhausted from dealing with all this incredibly overwhelming emotional shit all the time and I need a vacation, a break, a moment alone without even my thoughts.

I want to give up or actually figure out how to start over.  I want to stop feeling like everything I say or do or think is faulty.  I want to remember what it feels like to be happy with myself and with my partner.  I want to not feel so damn fucking alone all the time.

I’m just sad, folks.  Some days that’s how it is.

Sep 9

a world at odds

I recently started seeing a therapist.  This was partially my choice and partially at the request of my husband, who thinks I need therapy in a serious way.  So far she seems to be good for me, very honest and realistic and to the point.  Part of the reason for going to see a therapist was so that I would be able to go see someone on my own but that J would also go with me, and occasionally go on his own.  That way we’d be covering all our bases, you know?

Well, we had our first couple’s session with her last week and then I met with her on my own yesterday.  Here’s what she had to say …

therapist: Margaret, I don’t think that I can see you guys as a couple.

me: Ok.  Can you say something about why?

therapist: Because the way that he spoke to you in our session last week was mean, definitely verging on verbal abuse, and I know that your goal is to try and fix your relationship but that’s not something I think I can actually help you with.

me: Because … ?

therapist: Because I believe he has a narcissistic personality disorder and it’s fairly obvious to me that the best thing for you would be to leave him.

Oh.

Now, let’s be honest here.  That is definitely not what a therapist is supposed to do.  A therapist is supposed to be objective and removed and all that jazz.  So as far as that goes, I think that the opinion she offered me was not actually part of her job description, and that she should have kept it to herself.

But, let us also be clear on one thing.  This is the second time that J and I (mostly me) have attempted therapy in the last two years to try and get a handle on the problems in our relationship.  And this is the second time that the therapist has told me the same thing.  Truly.  Our last therapist said the exact same thing.

And really, the impression that the new therapist got of him in our one session together was a damn good picture of who he actually is in real life.  And, if you read the definition of narcissistic personality disorder (a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy) and you know J at all, you’ll realize that’s it’s a pretty dead on diagnosis, and one that can actually be made quite quickly.

So, tonight J has an appointment with her on his own, and she’s going to tell him that she doesn’t want to have him as a client.  She asked me how I thought he’d react to that and I chuckled to myself.  He’s going to think that it’s not his fault, that she’s crazy and mistaken, and that I somehow influenced her to think negatively of him.  And then this is going to be the end of us going to therapy together for at least another two years.

And that, my dears, is J to an absolute t.