I went to yoga tonight! My yoga-ing buddy wasn’t even there and I went and made it through the entire class all by myself.

See…I’m a big girl now.

So can I do this? Can I commit myself to going to yoga twice this week and going to ballet/kickboxing?

The answer must be yes.

Last week was a complete bust. I went to ballet and that was it. Nothing else. I ate like a dinosaur and didn’t work out at all. Complete slacker. So this week I have to make up for it. I really hope that’s at all possible.

And besides, when we got home I was so full that I managed not to eat anything else for the rest of the night. For me that’s pretty impressive, especially considering that J was hungry about 25 minutes after we got home.

And I managed to resist all his attempts to fill me with more food. At least I can be proud about that.

Went out to dinner last night to celebrate our anniversary. Ate more than I should have…lots of fried food and meat. But it was so good and besides, it was a celebration, right? I should be allowed to eat more than the norm when I’m celebrating. Shouldn’t I?

Didn’t go to the gym…didn’t go to yoga last night…feeling awfully bad about myself. And, of course, feeling bad about myself leads to overeating and just sitting around in front of the TV not doing anything except for wallowing in self-pity.

I’ve got such bad habits.

Should go to the gym. Really should go to the gym. So tired and needing of a rest though. So lazy. So uninspired.

I have this picture of Sarah Jessica Parker up in my office. It’s a picture of her six months after having a baby and she’s wearing a bra and a little tiny skirt. Her stomach is completely flaw-free. It’s amazing and she’s so gorgeous and it’s supposed to be my inspiration picture. But instead every time I look at it I just feel resentful.

Didn’t go to yoga. Instead gave into the temptation offered by J. And now I feel terrible about it.

But I ate almost as much protein today as I did carbs. Very good. Thank god for raw fish.

It’s my mom’s fault, really. She of the never-ending stream of diets. She who just hasn’t been able to lose the baby weight…in the last 24 years. She who spent so much of my childhood discussing diets and food and weight-loss that I couldn’t help but become obsessed with it.

But it’s my fault too. Don’t worry, mom…not all of the blame goes onto you. I’m lazy and that’s really what does it.

Unfortunate but true.

But I went to ballet last night.

And I’m going to yoga tonight.

I think part of the problem is that it’s just so hard to continue feeling good about what I’m doing. It’s so hard to just start thinking about how good that cheesecake would be and not to remember how good it feels to be thin.

I want to be thin. No cheesecake for me.

And see…now after ballet is over I remember exactly why I do it. Exercising has nothing to do with anyone else on the planet. It’s just me and my body and my own limitations that I’m trying to surpass.

And now, of course, I think “hey…I should do this all the time.” But when tomorrow comes and laziness kicks in again it’ll be a different story.

Aargh.

Here we go. Figured I might as well give this a try. If I can work on entering in my thoughts about the process at the same time that I’m entering in all my food to FitDay then maybe I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on in my own head.

Honestly, it just bugs the crap out of me that thinking about this shit takes so much of my time. It’s got to change. I have to figure out how.

So tonight I’m going to ballet…that’s a definite. And I should go to yoga too, except that I’ve been cramping really badly all day today and the idea of standing in a super hot room, being bloated, and having to exert myself immensely for an hour and a half just DOES NOT APPEAL.

But that’s my problem, isn’t it? I can’t seem to bring myself to do the things I know I should do and that’s why I ain’t losing the weight.