So Thanksgiving has come and gone. And my god did I eat a lot. Being the person who was cooking the meal on the actual day itself definitely helped (in general if I’m doing the cooking then I don’t eat as much). But oh there was tons and tons of gravy left and I have absolutely no self-control when it comes to gravy. I think I probably ate about 3000 calories worth of gravy over the past couple days. I actually got so freaked out about the quantity that I was eating that I just threw the rest of it away. Not the most mature solution, but hey…nobody’s going to notice. And now there’s all this leftover turkey in the fridge, which I actually think I’m going to put into a salad for dinner tonight because I NEED VEGETABLES.

Yeah. All in all it was a definite success. I managed not to eat to the point of making myself sick. But I also haven’t exercised at all in a week. Oh well, just have to get back on the wagon tomorrow.

I can do this. Just because I screwed up for a little while doesn’t mean that I can’t get back into my good habits. I can totally do this.

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I just don’t have enough exercise in my life, I think that’s really what it comes down to. Obviously yoga four times a week and all the walking that I do are good, but there needs to be more. I never go to the gym, which is stupid because I paid for the membership and everything. I think, though, that if I actually can manage to up my exercise then I’d be able to lose weight much more easily. Shit, just doing yoga as much as I have been has really been helping. But now I need to make it to the next level.

Go to gym. Do it!!!

For the first time in a really long time I am not freaking out about this. For the first time in a really long time I am not doubting myself. See, I really CAN do this…I’m not just saying that. I really can live my life the way that I want to instead of feeling in a panic and struggling the way that my mother always does. This does not have to be a life-long battle for me. I just have to nip this in the bud right now, make myself have healthy eating and exercise habits, and then I’ll be ok.

It’s amazing what a little bit of self-confidence can do for you.

Ok. I went to yoga the past four days in a row. Four…in a row… I don’t think I’ve felt this good about myself and the rest of the world in years.

And, yesterday I went to The Gap to try on some pants. I wear a size 6 in their slacks. In fact, I got myself a new pair of pants and I’m wearing them right now. Size 6 and not snug at all.

Am I amazing or what? I can feel my life changing every single day.

I wasn’t thinking about the upcoming holidays, but then I read someone else’s blog and now I’m in a bit of a panic.

This year my parents and J’s mom are coming to our house for Thanksgiving, which means that I’m doing all the cooking. This should be great, because it means that I can cut calories left and right, and fill the meal with veggies instead of other things. Except that I can’t do that. For me Thanksgiving is about two things: biscuits and gravy. Neither one of these things is healthy. How can you have really good mashed potatoes without using a metric-assload of butter? How can you not make an unbelievable apple pie?

I know that I shouldn’t worry too much about how much I’m going to eat. My stomach has been shrinking a lot as of late, so I can’t even pack that much in there anymore. And besides, my caloric intake has been hovering between 1000-1200 for like the last week or so. Maybe this will be little enough that I shouldn’t have to worry about how much I’m going to eat on Turkey Day?

I don’t know. I just feel like my metabolism has to be unbelievably slow. I know it’s getting faster, because I can actually feel it. Now instead of feeling full for four hours after I eat, I’m ready to eat again in two hours. It’s definitely good, I’ve turned much more into a 5 small-meals-per-day person. But still…I feel like I’m always working off at least 500 calories per day, I’m only intaking like 1200 max, but I’m not losing enough weight.

J says what I need to do is get better on the weight machines. He says I should stop doing heavy lifting because that’s just for bulk-building, which I really don’t need (at least not on my legs). He says that what I should be doing is tons of reps on a lighter weight, because that’s what tones. Who knew? I’m so uneducated on this stuff that all the littlest tips help! So I guess now my plan is to do exactly that. Too bad though, because I was very excited about my 200 lb. leg press.

Yeah. And now that I’ve babbled on forever, I think I’m outta here.

One last thing though. I feel like I’ve made some real progress. Yoga for the last three days in a row. Amazing. And the fact that I’m not going to go today is kinda making me feel shitty, so I might just give in to the desire and do it anyways. I’m sore, but not as sore as I thought I would be. Honestly, I feel amazing. I feel energized and happy and mellow and like I’m really doing this, instead of just saying that I’m going to. Something gave and now I think I’m really on my way.

Oh yeah…one more thing. I think I need access to a better scale. As far as I can tell I’m not losing any weight, but I’m definitely getting smaller. None of my pants fit anymore (even the ones that used to be too small). Saw myself in the full-length mirror at the gym yesterday and had a moment of “Damn, I look good.” Best feeling ever.

Went to B&C yesterday and WALKED BY the chocolate-covered almonds. Saw that they were there, had a moment of pure lust, and then walked on. I have to remember what it was like giving up smoking…that the want of cigarettes was nearly as enjoyable as the cigarettes themselves. Food can be like that too.

And besides, I have to keep my calorie intake super low this week because next week is binge time. God I love Thanksgiving. There are very few things in the world that I love as much as sweet-potato biscuits and gravy.

Yoga the past two nights. Maybe tonight as well, if I can bring myself to walk away from homework long enough to go. My flexibility is increasing in leaps and bounds, as is my strength. My back muscles are getting more of a workout than they’ve ever had before, so they’re sore ALL the time. Kinda sucks, but I know that in the long run it will be better for me.

It’s nice to have this little journal to catalogue all my thoughts on this subject. This way I don’t feel the need to talk about it all the time. Extremely helpful.

972 calories yesterday and I wasn’t hungry at all. This should show me that my body really can handle eating less than I have been.

I know that having that few calories really can’t be healthy for me, but damn does it feel good. And besides, in my working out yesterday I worked off half of those calories. That’s how it should be, right?

I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…

The only thing holding me back from looking the way I want to look is myself. If I can just get over what is going on in my head then everything will be ok.

I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…

Yoga tonight, tomorrow, and Wednesday. Skipping ballet/kickboxing tomorrow because at this point it’s really only yoga that appeals. Should definitely find my way to the gym at least twice this week and do stationary bike/treadmill. Gotta try and up the cardio.

I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…

Have enough healthy food in the house that I don’t have to resort to eating cheese. If I want something solid when I get home from yoga then I’ll have rice. Other than that…those mangoes are looking pretty good and ready to eat. Have one for a snack.

I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…