Monday after therapist appointment again. Definitely not writing enough recently.

D says that I spend too much time paving over my desires. He says, “Yoga makes you feel good, it makes you happy, it makes you pleased with yourself … so why would you NOT go? Why would you avoid what you really want to do in order to just sit around?” D says that right now what I have to learn to do is not let my feelings effect my productiveness. If I’m feeling unsure of my relationship with J, it should not stop me from doing something good for myself (such as yoga or gym or a giant salad). I have to learn that even if I am angry/unsure/sad/scared it’s still ok to love myself.

I have to learn that fear does not need to outweigh everything else in my life.

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I started seeing a therapist recently, for reasons other than weight-loss, but it’s amazing how much it all ties together. The therapist (we’ll call him D) says that my biggest problem in life is not loving myself enough. He said that my goal for this week was to figure out things that I can do that really make me feel good about myself. So far I’ve figured out two things: doing stuff (which I know sounds overly simple, but that really is what I mean. I tend to be an overly lazy person and doing ANYTHING makes me feel good about myself) and creating things (I always have small art projects and cooking projects going because they make me feel happy).

So yesterday, after discussing all this with D, I figured that I should do something about all this shit…something that was going to make me feel good about myself. So I went to the gym! Admittedly, I went during the evening when there were approximately 150,000 people there. And I went to take a yoga class which ended up sucking majorly. But I went. And I felt really good about myself. It was exciting to be out and about doing something that’s good for me and made me feel good.

I think I forget a lot that my entire goal in this process is to like myself better. I don’t care if people find me more or less attractive. I don’t care if I fit into other people’s views of me. What I care about it the fact that I feel good about myself. That’s my purpose on this crazy journey.

Body modification indeed. It’s so much more than that. It’s body, mind, soul and attitude modification.

Feeling better about myself than I have in a LONG time.

It’s crazy…I had a realization last night that I’ve been going about this entire thing wrong. Being skinny is nice and all, but that really isn’t my end goal. What I want is to be strong and fast and fierce. I want to be able to go sea kayaking in Hawaii and not be tired by it. I want to be able to do an hour and a half of yoga every day and not be a giant puddle afterwards. I want to be able to lift anything that my stupid boyfriend can lift. I want to always be able to do anything that I want to do because I am strong enough.

So this kind of changes things for me. It’s a new approach. It’s exactly like school…I’m just working on building a foundation, be it in my head or in my body.

Fuck yeah.

Ok, went to yoga the last two nights in a row. Monday’s class is the beginner class, which for me is always much harder. Everything is done slowly and the poses are held for longer. I guess it’s good, because it makes me re-examine the basics of the entire practice (and it really does kick my ass) but I do tend to want the aerobic aspect of the higher level classes. So then I went again last night even though I was suffering from an unbelievably sore butt. And I had some amazing breakthroughs last night! All of them just came from listening better to what Gregor was saying (surprise, surprise, I’m not the best listener) and actively working on integrating his words into my practice. I came out of it having a much better idea of how to do backbends without hurting myself, something I’ve never really been able to do before. Yay!

So my whole goal for the week was to go to either gym or yoga every single day, but I am going to be a little lenient on myself here. We got six inches of snow last night (our first real snowstorm since December so I’m ridiculously happy right now) and I figure that if I go and play in the snow for at least an hour then that’ll be equivilent to going to the gym. Our plan was to go and rent snowshoes, but somehow I think that there isn’t enough snow for that. There’s plenty for walking around in though, and that’s always my favorite thing anyway.

And then tomorrow, it’s back onto the plan.

I overheard someone saying something unbelievable yesterday. She said, “The weight-loss process is hard, so you have to find something to love about it, otherwise you’re going to fail.” That’s what I’m working on … finding something to love.

Tonight I’m going to go to the N.I.A. (dancing) class at the gym. It’s at 6:30. If I feel up to it they’ve got an active yoga class at 7:30 which I can go to as well. And that’s my goal…nice and freakin’ simple. I just have to take this all one day at a time.

And I’m baking some tofu so that I can have a huge salad when I get home. Yum.

My god I’ve been eating badly recently! Jeepers, it’s been terrible! I’ve been not paying attention to anything that’s been going on with my body, completely ignoring its requests for healthy foods, and filling it up with nasty shit. J’s mom got us this loaf of whole wheat bread the other day and as she handed it to me she said, “This is really delicious with butter.” I keep a container of fake butter (with no partially hydrogenated stuff in it) in the fridge for exactly this sort of occasion. But did I pull that out? No…I instead pulled out a stick of butter and ate the bread with that. Real butter…I haven’t fallen that low in a long time. I wanted ice cream and wasn’t just satisfied with that…had to have hot fudge sauce too.

Aargh. I’ve been giving in to my sweet-tooth at every possible opportunity. I went over to a friend’s house last night and ate pasta with white sauce which, while delicious, was really only made out of butter and cheese. There was a salad sitting right there staring at me too! And what did I do…I ignored it and instead ate the buttery cheesy deliciousness.

And it’s been going on this way for weeks now.

The problem that I have is that it’s so hard to change this behavior once it starts. Now that I’ve decided I’m going to I’m really going to be fighting with my body for a while. Now, after dinner, when I start craving something sweet, I’m going to have to actively tell my body to shut up because it’s not going to get anything. Now when I wake up and want some bread with butter, I have to withhold it from myself. I fully believe that in time I should be allowed these delicious treats in moderation, but for a while at least I need to completely withhold them from myself. I know how I work and that’s the only thing that’s going to get me in line.

In high school I gave up chocolate for a year. For me it was a choice between eating it ALL THE TIME or eating it never. I actually might have to do that again. Seems like it may be the only option that works for me.

And other than that, my yoga date cancelled on me for the evening, so I might go and try out the spinning class at my gym. I’ve been wanting to try it for a while and just haven’t had the courage to go and do it. I am unbelievably bad and trying new things like this, but I can’t let that stop me anymore. I have to suck it up and get my ass into the game. Who cares if I look like a dumbass doing it the first time? Of course I do, I’ve never done it before, right? I’m sure everyone looked like a dumbass their first time. So that just makes me normal. Yay!

I don’t know what’s been going on recently. It’s like my weight/fitness goals were the first thing to go in the face of any adversity. That makes me really sad. I haven’t gained any weight, but that’s through no fault of my own. I’ve been eating terribly and not exercising anywhere near as much as I should. I went to yoga on Tuesday and here it is Friday and I’m still sore. Good lord, that hasn’t happened in a really long time. Because of my former yoga practice I had reached a point where my soreness only ever lasted a day. It was wonderful. And now here I am 3 days later and my ass still kills me every time I walk up the stairs.

It’s just hard to get out and do it. I’ve been finding more and more excuses for not leaving the house when I know I should. My body is taking the depression and difficulty I’ve been dealing with and deciding that the right thing to do is turn into a hermit. But see, I know that’s not the right thing to do. I know that if I got out there and did the things that MADE ME FEEL GOOD then (surprise, surprise) I would feel good. But I don’t do it and instead I spend my time sitting around in a lump.

It seems that I just need to start listening to my logical brain instead of my emotional one. I know full well that I would feel better if I worked out and ate better. I just have to do it. I feel like what I really need is someone to drag me out of the house every day for a week until I was back on track and then I could handle it myself. Shit, maybe I just need to be the dragger and the draggee. I need to do this for myself.

And on food news, I made salmon for dinner the other night and didn’t want to eat it. The more time that passes the closer I come to being veg. There’s nothing I can do about it because I honestly don’t have any control, my body is just consistently telling me to stop eating meat. So instead of eating salmon I had broccoli and mashed potatoes for dinner and it was a glorious meal. J was forced to eat a half a pound of salmon all by himself. I’m sure he was totally heartbroken. 🙂

We’ve started Dr. Andrew Weil’s “8 Weeks to Optimal Health”. I personally find it kind of amusing because for the most part, I already do everything that he says. He suggests cutting down coffee and replacing it with tea…I can’t remember the last time I had a cup of coffee, but I drink tea every day. He suggests replacing meat meals with soy protein meals…yeah, got that one covered. And my personal favorite, he suggests finding a local grocery store that sells organic produce…Whole Foods is a two minute walk from my house and that’s one of the reasons we picked this apartment. It’s great. I guess I’ve been on my way to optimal health without even knowing it. 8 weeks should be a breeze.