Mmmmm…long time no write.

So I’ve been doing some weight-lifting, which is really cool. My favorite to do is the seated chest press. There’s a mirror about 3 feet in front of me while I do it, so I get to watch every single little muscle in my chest and shoulders. Damn, do I look good. And it really keeps me going, just thinking about how great I’m going to look after a while of lifting. Very fun.

So here’s approximately what I’m doing. Keep in mind that I really don’t know the names of any of these machines, so I might be making some of them up…

Hip abduction and adduction: 3 sets x 10 reps x 30 pounds

Quad lift: 3 sets x 10 reps x 30 pounds

Leg press: 3 sets x 10 reps x 70 pounds (no idea why, but my body seems to be built for this particular exercise…my one rep max is something like 200 lbs.)

Lat pull-down: 3 sets x 10 reps x 30 pounds

Seated chest press: 3 sets x 10 reps x 15 pounds

Lat push-up (?): 3 sets x 10 reps x 15 pounds

Bicep curl: 3 sets x 10 reps x 10 pounds (this…my body is not built for. No bicep strength whatsoever

Flying pec machine (really, it’s actually called something very close to that): 3 sets x 10 reps x 20 pounds

And that’s it. It seems like I’m doing much more exercise on my upper body, but that’s really where I need it most. I have always had freakishly strong legs, it’s just that right now they’re covered in a healthy layer of fat. So I’m trying not to worry about working them as much as my upper body, which really needs it.

I’ve sort of been thinking about that a bunch recently, about the fact that for my entire life I’ve tended to only do the things that I’m good at, and not been very good and trying out new stuff. Well that’s definitely changing. I mean shit, if this was me a couple months ago I would have only worked out my legs, because I know that they’re strong and I know they can do everything that I ask them to. And I would have completely ignored my upper body because it’s always been the weakest. But it’s not just that. I figured out recently that the path I’m taking in school right now is not what I want to be doing. I am totally petrified about taking a new direction in my life (photography by the way, just in case you were wondering) because I don’t think I’m as good as other people, but it’s what I want to be doing. So off I go in a new direction!

It’s just that for the first time in about as long as I can remember, I’m trying to figure out how to not live a life controlled by my fears. I’m really working on living a life controlled by my brain and my heart and my soul. Fuck the fears. They never did me any good, just held me back from doing the things that I really wanted to be doing. But now it’s my turn. Now I’m kicking my fears in the ass and taking control on my own life.

And lordy does it feel good.

Stick with it…stick with it…stick with it.

It’s so hard to go when my thighs are aching from weight lifting and running that I did yesterday and I know I’m going to get to the gym and the workout is just going to kick my ass. But I woke up this morning at 130.5, which means that I’m so close to seeing the 120’s that I’ve got to go. So close and yet so far away. (tee hee hee)

Ah well, no more running attempts today. And I really have to make sure that I only do lifting on the upper half of my body today. But shit, I’m going, and that’s really the important part.

So I decided recently that since I can now do a pretty serious 30 minutes on the elliptical without getting out of breath, that I should attempt running on a treadmill. I figure I haven’t tried running in about two years, since right after I quit smoking and I just flat-out couldn’t breathe. But hey, it’s been two years and I’ve been really working hard to try and get myself to a place where doing things like this is possible. I know that to a lot of people this will sound silly, but to me it’s a big deal, so here goes…

Today I ran .62 miles! In terms of breath, I could have gone for longer, but my freakin’ shins were killing me after that long. Is that normal? Was I doing something wrong? What can I do to make this better?

And now I’ve got a new goal. I want to be able to run a mile. Sounds pathetic, but it’s true. I haven’t been able to run a mile since I started smoking (age 17) and now that I don’t smoke anymore, I’d like to be able to do it. And after a mile, who knows? I could easily go on to bigger and better things…like two miles!

Other than that, eating’s been ok. I think I’m actually under the number of calories I should be eating every day, but it’s hard. These days it seems like there’s very little food that I’m actually interested in. I keep racking my brain trying to think of things that I would want to eat but nothing appeals. So I guess that for now I’m going to stick with the things that I know appeal for me. Since I’m exercising more my appetite is increasing. I guess I’ll just find new things to eat as that becomes necessary.

I started stepping this up because none of my pants fit anymore. I’ll be honest here. Since I had been totally slacking off for a while, every single pair of my pants (except one in a size 13, which were still too loose) were too tight. I guess technically that meant I was back up to a 10 instead of at an 8 like I have been. But aargh, what a shitty feeling and situation, huh? So I stepped it up. I started going to the gym like crazy, doing 30 HARD minutes on the elliptical and then weight lifting every single day. I’ve been going to yoga at least once per week, no more avoiding it because I’m “not in the mood.” In a word, I’ve started taking this seriously. Pretty much for the first time ever.

And now, today, about two weeks after I started being serious about this, I decided to put on a pair of the dreaded tight pants. And they fit. In fact, they’re actually feeling a little loose. Yay.

Now here’s the tricky part. I have this terrible habit of reaching a mini goal like this and then completely slacking off. It’s like I convince myself that I don’t actually have to work in order to accomplish these things, that they will naturally come in time, without my ever lifting a finger. What happens then is that I start eating, stop working out, and the freakin’ pants don’t fit again.

So, my new mini goal is to not let myself slack off. If I can just see my weight in the 120’s and still keep on doing what I’ve been doing then that’s a huge step for me. I’m so fucking close to my goal and I keep on sabotaging myself. It’s a terrible thing and one that I do consistently in my entire life. So just once, just one time to hopefully start a new beginning here, I’m going to try really hard to not screw myself over. I can do this. The hard part is giving myself permission to do it. I have to own my desire.

I feel like I’m doing ok right now. I’ve been going to the gym like a maniac (somewhere around 7 out of the last 10 days or something like that), and even if I don’t stay for long enough yet, at least I’m going. I’ve been working on doing 20 minutes/day on the elliptical and then lifting weights. Today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and no weights. I just keep on reminding myself how good I’m going to look in that bikini…how good I’m going to feel about myself…how worthwhile all this effort really is.

My goals right now are to keep on going to the gym, trying to make it an every-day thing. I want to do the 30 minute workout on the elliptical everyday when I go. I figure it burns calories and is a pretty good warm-up. Then (depending on whether or not I’m yoga-ing that evening) weight lifting. I figure I should actually start working on my arms, since if I don’t my legs are going to be badass and my arms totally wimpy. But since my legs have always been way stronger, I tend to work them more because it’s easier. No more of that though, no more hiding from the hard shit.

So now the thing I really have to start working on is my eating habits. The truth is that I know I’m not doing that badly. I think that I almost never eat over 1600 calories. But the problem is that I’m just not eating the right stuff. So yes, Mom, I’m going to try out the daily dozen. A dozen fruits and vegetables per day. Shouldn’t be that hard. I mean shit, if I have a salad for dinner then I’m getting six out of the way right there (lettuce, spinach, broccoli, carrots, peppers, fennel if J lets me). Halfway done.

I can do this. I know that I can. And for the first time in a while I feel like I’m actually going to. Yippee!!!

Today is not a good day. I’m feeling lost and lonely and confused and desperate. I just want to give up on all of these impossibly hard, herculean tasks that I have set myself to. It doesn’t seem fair to have so many difficult things going on in my life at once. I want a break from this shit. Ack. Not a good day.

Total slacker week. I’ve been working on doing one thing every day that makes me feel good but it’s very rarely been going to the gym or to yoga. But that’s ok, I’m trying to learn not to be righteously pissed off at myself for this. I’m not doing a bad thing by not going, I’m just not necessarily doing what will make me happiest. Golly, seems silly, huh? Well shit, maybe I’ll head off to the gym today.

I bought myself a bikini yesterday. I’ve got it hanging over my full-lenth mirror so that I can see it and have it be insipration. I really hope this works. It’s super cute, light blue with brown hawaiian design on it. I’ve always wanted to have a bikini that I could feel comfortable in. I’ve always wanted to look ok in one. This is my chance. If it’s something that I want then I can do it. I just have to REALLY want it.

And, on a bad note, I’ve gained 3.5 pounds since I last weighed myself. Not so good. Easy to recover from though.