I started stepping this up because none of my pants fit anymore. I’ll be honest here. Since I had been totally slacking off for a while, every single pair of my pants (except one in a size 13, which were still too loose) were too tight. I guess technically that meant I was back up to a 10 instead of at an 8 like I have been. But aargh, what a shitty feeling and situation, huh? So I stepped it up. I started going to the gym like crazy, doing 30 HARD minutes on the elliptical and then weight lifting every single day. I’ve been going to yoga at least once per week, no more avoiding it because I’m “not in the mood.” In a word, I’ve started taking this seriously. Pretty much for the first time ever.

And now, today, about two weeks after I started being serious about this, I decided to put on a pair of the dreaded tight pants. And they fit. In fact, they’re actually feeling a little loose. Yay.

Now here’s the tricky part. I have this terrible habit of reaching a mini goal like this and then completely slacking off. It’s like I convince myself that I don’t actually have to work in order to accomplish these things, that they will naturally come in time, without my ever lifting a finger. What happens then is that I start eating, stop working out, and the freakin’ pants don’t fit again.

So, my new mini goal is to not let myself slack off. If I can just see my weight in the 120’s and still keep on doing what I’ve been doing then that’s a huge step for me. I’m so fucking close to my goal and I keep on sabotaging myself. It’s a terrible thing and one that I do consistently in my entire life. So just once, just one time to hopefully start a new beginning here, I’m going to try really hard to not screw myself over. I can do this. The hard part is giving myself permission to do it. I have to own my desire.

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