Back from the woods and slightly worse for the wear. While being out in the woods is very nice and very relaxing, it’s also unbelievably stressful. J and I are the people in charge the entire time and so we’re always answering questions and checking on people and dealing with money and food issues and helping everyone set up and clean up, etc. It’s exhausting and somehow I end up being ridiculously stressed out almost the entire time we’re out there. I need another vacation after this!

The problem that I have is that while I’m dealing with stress like that, I’m really bad about eating. So for the entire five days that I was out in the woods, I can probably count everything I ate on two hands. I was belly hungry the entire time, but never mouth hungry. And, sickness of all sicknessess, I enjoyed the hunger soooooo much. It’s so unbelievably satisfying to me that I can control something like that. I would spend all day being starving and not eating, and then when 4am rolled around and everyone else was already asleep and the site was empty I would have a little snack. And then I’d wake up and do it all over again. It scares me how much I still enjoy being hungry. I guess I wonder if it’s like smoking … will I spend the rest of my life as a recovering starvation addict? As a recovering anorexic?

God, I hate this shit! I just want to find a place where I can be happy with the way my body looks. I’m sick and tired of feeling like crap about my physique all the time. I weigh 125 now. 125! And I still think I look like shit. I don’t understand how it’s ever supposed to be better. I don’t understand how I’m ever supposed to find a happy place where I don’t think about how I look all the fucking time.

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