J’s up in New Hampshire right now helping his uncle build a barn. He’s out of the house for two full nights, which is actually awesome. It’s giving me a chance to spend some quality time thinking about what’s going on in our relationship. The thing is that there are two distinct sides of me that are warring right now …
There’s the me that’s really, truly convinced I am no longer in love with J. I’ve spent so much time working on not being afraid of losing him that now the idea isn’t even scary. I mean, I think that if we broke up that would suck, and I would be sad, but I would also know that it’s for the best. The future that we planned for ourselves doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anyway, so it’s not like I’d be losing that. And, truth be told, we’ll be friends after this, even if it does take some time. So what am I losing? A relationship that’s almost completely gone anyway.
And then there’s the me that’s just terrified of losing him. You know I’ve loved him since I was 17? He has meant everything to me for the last eight years of my life. He is pretty much all that I have wanted for a very long time now and not having him would mean the end of a million dreams. It would mean the end of a love that I really do believe is destiny. I’ve always said that we were meant to be together, so how can we not be? And besides, he’s my best friend and if we broke up I would lose that, probably forever. He’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I can’t give that up.
The truth is that I don’t want to continue living my relationship in sheer terror that I’m going to lose him. But it seems that I don’t know any middle ground between that and just not caring anymore. So how do I find that middle ground? Is it already too late? Am I just unwilling to admit that I’ve already made my decision? I don’t know how to find balance here. I can only see the two extremes.
And, totally off the subject, it’s fucking cold here. Currently 36 degrees. My big plan is to hop on my bike right now, go to the gym for some running/weights and then bike over to the MIT skating rink for the 12-1 free skate. Means I’m carrying my damn skates with me, but I can handle that.