I guess you could say I’ve been having a crisis of faith. I had a good run there for a while of believing in myself and my ability to achieve all these goals. And then it just stopped. Now here I am, stuck in a puddle of feeling sorry for myself and not having enough faith to pull myself out of the funk.
What I have to remember is that bettering myself does actually make me feel fabulous. Sure, short-term it totally sucks ass, but in the long run there isn’t anything that makes me feel better about myself or about the world. This relates both to dealing with my emotional issues and my physical issues. It actually doesn’t make me feel good at all when I ignore my goals and sweep my self-improvement to the side.
Life has just been … well … blah recently. First of all, Christmas is coming up. For those of you who don’t know, Christmas is so totally my favorite time of year that it isn’t even funny. I’m one of those annoying assholes who starts thinking about it in August, so around this time of year I’m constantly singing carols and occasionally bursting into a huge smile just thinking about how much I love it. And just so you know, it has nothing to do with receiving presents (honestly couldn’t care less about that). It’s all about the joy of giving people things that you know they will love. Oooh, I love to give a good present.
And things with J have been actively roller-coastering, so that’s been generally uninspiring and adding to my self-doubt. I have no idea where this is going, it’s all so fucking up and down.
So basically, what I’m here to say is that I’m sorry. Not so much to y’all, who have always been so supportive in my times of need and congratulatory in my moments of triumph. But much more I need to say that I’m sorry to myself. I’m sorry that right now I’m feeling the need to take about a billion steps backwards in my progress. I’m sorry that I’m feeling the need to ignore what I know is best for myself. And I’m sorry that for quite a while now I haven’t felt the need to be good to myself at all. I can promise you that this will all change soon. I just need to make a couple key adjustments in my brain and then I’ll get back on track. Until then, I’m not going to say differently … no lying to y’all and no lying to myself. I’m way off track and I’m going to stay there until I’m ready to get all the way back on. No half-assing.