I guess you could say I’ve been having a crisis of faith. I had a good run there for a while of believing in myself and my ability to achieve all these goals. And then it just stopped. Now here I am, stuck in a puddle of feeling sorry for myself and not having enough faith to pull myself out of the funk.
Ack.
What I have to remember is that bettering myself does actually make me feel fabulous. Sure, short-term it totally sucks ass, but in the long run there isn’t anything that makes me feel better about myself or about the world. This relates both to dealing with my emotional issues and my physical issues. It actually doesn’t make me feel good at all when I ignore my goals and sweep my self-improvement to the side.
Life has just been … well … blah recently. First of all, Christmas is coming up. For those of you who don’t know, Christmas is so totally my favorite time of year that it isn’t even funny. I’m one of those annoying assholes who starts thinking about it in August, so around this time of year I’m constantly singing carols and occasionally bursting into a huge smile just thinking about how much I love it. And just so you know, it has nothing to do with receiving presents (honestly couldn’t care less about that). It’s all about the joy of giving people things that you know they will love. Oooh, I love to give a good present.
And things with J have been actively roller-coastering, so that’s been generally uninspiring and adding to my self-doubt. I have no idea where this is going, it’s all so fucking up and down.
So basically, what I’m here to say is that I’m sorry. Not so much to y’all, who have always been so supportive in my times of need and congratulatory in my moments of triumph. But much more I need to say that I’m sorry to myself. I’m sorry that right now I’m feeling the need to take about a billion steps backwards in my progress. I’m sorry that I’m feeling the need to ignore what I know is best for myself. And I’m sorry that for quite a while now I haven’t felt the need to be good to myself at all. I can promise you that this will all change soon. I just need to make a couple key adjustments in my brain and then I’ll get back on track. Until then, I’m not going to say differently … no lying to y’all and no lying to myself. I’m way off track and I’m going to stay there until I’m ready to get all the way back on. No half-assing.
seek hope 
Stay in the game, kid. Accept the off days as learning curve material. It’s taken you all these years to get to this point, and you’re certainly more aware than you were before, right? Don’t just chuck things for the holidays. I’m here to plead with you.
For every cruddy thing you do off-plan (eat an entire gingerbread house, say), maybe just throw one good on-plan thing at yourself (walk the entire length of the Galleria a few times briskly, extra points for avoiding obnoxious people with sparkling cell phones). For every sliver of cheesecake, promise yourself a big fat cup of steamed veggies at the next meal.
Most important, fight that Inner Critic. Because that’s the part of you that’s saying, “Well, you’ve really slipped off the rails. Might as well scrap it until April.” (Or whatever your recovery date is). Everything going on outside of yourself is significant, but if you strip away all the color and movement, it’s still just you. Jump on a bus and ride 1000 miles west. Get off the bus. Who’s there? Just you. So throw some extra love inward (love= respect for your goals and desires).
Or, you can tell me to go screw, and just enjoy the heck out of the next little while. : )
I understand. I wish I could say all the things I was thinking when I read this post, but really, this is your journal Margaret, and your thoughts. If you saw yourself the way I (and others) saw you, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for you. But I understand, I really do! – Mia
Well? How are things today?
Margaret,
Happy thoughts to you…you remind me of me in a lot of ways, so you hold a special place in my blogging heart. Awe shucks. You will get through all of this, and damn it, you WILL have a Merry freakin’ Christmas. Now go watch, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” like a good holiday fiend and write me in the morning.
Smiles and peaceful thoughts,
Faye
Margaret, I’d like to add that I don’t really eat dairy, either…I gave it up as an experiment and I really liked how I felt. It really isn’t natural…Just watch out for it…I’ve “fallen off the bandwagon” and made myself feel soooo sick…Most of us don’t naturally create that enzyme to break it down, so if you haven’t had it for awhile, then it will be really hard to digest if you have a lot of it at once.–Little amounts don’t bug me, but things you just think of as all dairy, like cheese, cheesecake, cream sauces…kick my ass now.
Good luck! Even if you don’t do this now, I totally reccommend this sometime in the future…there are soooooo many health benefits to avoiding dairy. Most people don’t realize this because they’ve been fed all this government bull about it being one of the food groups…Cows don’t drink milk to make milk; they eat grass–give me a break. Okay, enough soap box for now.
Having said that, bleu cheese by Lighthouse is my favorite old friend.