I think Alicia asks a really good question … why the sudden need to lose 10-12 pounds? The truth is that I’m not sure. The desire to weigh 120-125 pounds has never really gone away, but why has it surfaced again right now? I think it’s because I haven’t been doing anything physical as of late and my self-esteem is reacting negatively to that (as it is wont to do).
I was talking about self-esteem with J recently, because he and I are vastly different people in this area. For him self-esteem is entirely based on what he COULD be doing. Just the fact that he’s got the potential to be a nuclear physicist/US president/award-winning author is enough for him to feel damn good about himself. I, on the other hand, do not run on potential. I think I did for a long time (that’s pretty much what got me through my highschool career) but now that doesn’t work for me anymore. Now, in order to not feel like absolute crap about myself, I have to be active at every turn. Sitting and taking a break for a bit makes me feel terrible about myself. The problem with this is that inevitably my feeling like crap leads to my just sitting around and doing more of nothing, which then starts me down this terrible cycle of self-deprication and laziness. It’s a viscious circle if I’ve ever seen one.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how I operate, trying to figure out ways to counter my internal battles and dilemmas. It isn’t easy, but I do believe that once you’ve identified what your issues are, it becomes significantly easier to change them. So I guess what I’m mainly working on right now is identifying what my issues are. I think that more than anything else right now, I have to learn to not hate myself so immensely. There’s no reason for it. When I’m thinking rationally I know that I’m a pretty cool person. The problem is that whenever I find myself in a sticky situation, I inevitably latch on to and begin worrying at what I think are my worst faults. I have to learn to let this go. I have to learn that knowing these are my faults is ok, working on changing them is ok, but constantly berating myself because I have them is not ok. It isn’t ok to be as mean to yourself as I am to myself.
Jesus, I’ve been babbling for a while here. Just know this: today I’ve got some errands to run and I’m going to be doing them in my running shoes. They’re all within walking distance … or should I say running distance. I’m determined not to let my internal battles stop me from being the person I know I can be.