the prodigal daughter returneth

Now, for those of you know know me, you’re well aware that the fact I haven’t written in a while means that I’m not doing so well. And it’s true … I’m doing terribly.

The only way I can describe what’s going on with me is that I’ve lost my power to do anything that makes me feel good. I’ve misplaced the part of me that says “do this for Margaret” and because of that I haven’t been doing anything. I’ve been eating REALLY badly, I haven’t been exercising at all, and I’ve been wallowing in self-pity and some self-hatred a vast quantity of the time.

How I’ve been eating badly:

Vegetables? What are vegetables? Instead of been living on cheese … lots and lots of cheese, frozen foods (from Trader Joe’s, so they’re admittedly a little bit healthier than … oh who am I kidding, they’re not healthier than anything else), and a massive quantity of chocolate. Honestly, I’ve gone back to my old days of not being able to finish a meal without desperately craving chocolate. What’s that all about? Where did the chocolate monster come from?

Why I’ve been eating badly:

Number one, it’s cold here and in the winter months all I want is comfort food. Also, I’m a serious emotional eater. For years and years it was that I didn’t eat when I was feeling emotional. Now I eat all the time. Right now my eating has been “helping” with my highly charged emotional state. I’ve been taking comfort and love and support from food, which is why chocolate has been playing such a key role.

About not exercising:

This is one of those things that stops when I forget how to take care of myself. I know that I should exercise, if only because it makes me feel fantastic. But when the shit hits the fan and my life is falling apart, this is one of the first things that goes. My therapist says, “Well, of course … you don’t think that you deserve to feel good.” And to a certain extend he’s totally correct. When I’m feeling this bad about life in general it’s hard for me to do the things that make me feel good. It becomes infinitely easier to just sit around and wallow. The thing about it is that I haven’t actually gained any weight, even with how badly I’ve been eating. But I’ve lost a whole crapload of muscle tone, and that bugs me a lot. I hate feeling like all the work I’ve done over the last two years has now been lost.

The good news:

As of Monday, the divine Miss L and I are going on a detox. Both of us have been treating our bodies like crap and we’re going to try to undo all the damage we’ve done. It’s going to be a pretty strict diet and exercise (at least for me) routine. And the truth is that I’m super excited to start it. I can’t wait for all the nasty shit in my body to be gone and for me to start feeling good again. And if this is what it takes for me to start exercising again, then so be it. More power to me for doing this.

So as of Monday y’all can expect to hear from me more often, as I struggle with chocolate and cheese withdrawal (they are both mildly addictive, so it really is kind of scary) and as I desperately try to get my body back to where it once was.

One of my best friends recently had a tragedy occur in her life (it’s not my story to tell, I’ll let her tell it when she’s ready) because of it I’ve been feeling the need to put my life in perspective. Or, at the very least, really start to ask the important questions I need to answer … the ones I always want to avoid.

First of all, what is important in my life? I have no idea how to answer this question. Normally I would say friends, family, relationship. But I would never, ever, in a million years put myself on that list. Shouldn’t I be first? Shouldn’t I be the number one most important thing in my life? And if that’s true, what does that even mean? How do I go about changing my life to make myself the most important thing? How do I become my own priority?

Secondly, what am I doing here? Do I have a purpose? Fuck a purpose, do I even have a goal? Is there something important that I want to do with my life, no matter how small the scale is? Do I ever feel like I’m here for a reason? If so then what’s the reason? And if not, why the hell not?

Thirdly, who am I? And ain’t that a doozy of a question. I guess it’s a time-honored tradition to ask it. But lord, once it’s set out there for all to see, it’s terrifying to see it in black and white. This doesn’t even cover the next question, which is who do I want to be. This one question is pretty much the heart and soul of all of my issues, all of my concerns, all of my anxieties … Who am I?

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am? – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I guess that I’m just going through a bit of a metaphysical crisis right now. I want to be able to be satisfied that I’ve lived a full life. And I don’t think that as of right now, I could say that I had. I don’t want the crowning achievement of my life to be getting married and having children. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that, honestly. But I want to feel like I’ve spent enough time working with myself before I can really include anybody else in that. My life right now is on a good path for that. I’m working on figuring myself out, working on accomplishing goals, becoming a fuller person. But there are certain changes that I also feel I need to make. And I have to keep that in mind, every day, otherwise those questions just slip away.

Home again, home again…

I have returned from the wild grey yonder, otherwise known as Seattle. It was an excellent visit and I had a wonderful time with my parents.

And I found some inspiration! My dad has this book with awesome weight routines in it so the three of us went to the gym together and did one of the routines. It involved all free-weights (something I had no real previous experience with) and was totally spectacular. We did a full body routine, with something for arms, legs, back, and abs. And the next day I was righteously sore, which added to the coolness. I guess I just never realized before why using free-weights is the way to go: because you have to use your whole body, unlike with the machines. It was great.

And I also did some running, which pretty much sucked. So, Chris, I definitely still want to do the 5k, but I’m not going to be able to do it running. I’m going to have to run/walk it in the most pathetic fashion. Truth be told, I figure that the most important part is that I actually do it and don’t just punk out. But it’s going to be pathetic. I will definitely work on improving my running before then, but there’s still no way I’m going to be able to make it anything more than a run/walk thing. Hope that’s ok with you. And if you want to just hang out with me at the beginning and end then that’ll be fine. Otherwise it might end up being incredibly boring.

But honestly, that’s a big step for me. Normally I would just say fuck it. Normally I would think about how embarassing it will be to show a perfect stranger how bad I am at running. But shit, at least I’m trying, right? There are millions of Americans out there who don’t even get off their couch every day. So at least I’m up and off my couch, running as best as I possibly can, right? Yeah. Screw being embarassed. I’m going to run/walk the 5k with the best of ’em.

(Thanks for listening to my rant)