One of my best friends recently had a tragedy occur in her life (it’s not my story to tell, I’ll let her tell it when she’s ready) because of it I’ve been feeling the need to put my life in perspective. Or, at the very least, really start to ask the important questions I need to answer … the ones I always want to avoid.
First of all, what is important in my life? I have no idea how to answer this question. Normally I would say friends, family, relationship. But I would never, ever, in a million years put myself on that list. Shouldn’t I be first? Shouldn’t I be the number one most important thing in my life? And if that’s true, what does that even mean? How do I go about changing my life to make myself the most important thing? How do I become my own priority?
Secondly, what am I doing here? Do I have a purpose? Fuck a purpose, do I even have a goal? Is there something important that I want to do with my life, no matter how small the scale is? Do I ever feel like I’m here for a reason? If so then what’s the reason? And if not, why the hell not?
Thirdly, who am I? And ain’t that a doozy of a question. I guess it’s a time-honored tradition to ask it. But lord, once it’s set out there for all to see, it’s terrifying to see it in black and white. This doesn’t even cover the next question, which is who do I want to be. This one question is pretty much the heart and soul of all of my issues, all of my concerns, all of my anxieties … Who am I?
What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am? – Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I guess that I’m just going through a bit of a metaphysical crisis right now. I want to be able to be satisfied that I’ve lived a full life. And I don’t think that as of right now, I could say that I had. I don’t want the crowning achievement of my life to be getting married and having children. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that, honestly. But I want to feel like I’ve spent enough time working with myself before I can really include anybody else in that. My life right now is on a good path for that. I’m working on figuring myself out, working on accomplishing goals, becoming a fuller person. But there are certain changes that I also feel I need to make. And I have to keep that in mind, every day, otherwise those questions just slip away.