I was going to write a response to you in the comments section, but I decided that I’d be better served doing a full post for this.
You commented on the difference in my posts over the last week and I wanted to write a bit about that. Until you mentioned it, I hadn’t even noticed it, but then it became clear as day … I have been a very different person over the last week. You guys wouldn’t know this, because you pretty much get my unbridled truth, but I am generally a pretty fake person. I bounce around, being enthusiastic about everything, because that’s what people always expect from me. It’s only my closest friends who really get to experience the “darkness” that exists inside of me. Most of the time I’m “happy-fun-girl” because it’s easier than being true to how I feel inside and actually being sad. And that’s just how I live my life.
(Huh. Isn’t it interesting how sometimes things sound so reasonable in your own head and then when you write them out they just look utterly ridiculous?)
Ok, back to the changes. The thing about it is that over the last week I’ve begun to have faith and hope and joy in my life again. I’ve begun to actually be that happy person I so often seem to be. Sure, everything in my relationship is absolute crap right now, but I actually believe (for the first time in god knows how long) that I can make it through this in one piece, no matter what the outcome is. And sure, I struggle like a maniac trying to figure out how to actually succeed at something … namely school. And yes, I always feel like I’m desperately looking for some kind of an answer to life’s most difficult questions. But it’s all ok. I’m ok.
And it’s not even the use of willpower over this week that’s doing it to me. It’s almost as if I’ve opened myself up to the possibility that there could be something better … in my diet, my body, and my life. I feel like right now I can look into the future and not be as terrified as I’ve been over the last several (ok more like 15) years of my life.
Truth is it seems like I’m rising out of an almost life-long depression and giving myself a chance to life my life in another way.
Boy. This all sounds unbelievably sappy. And as much as I might want to right now, I’m not going to erase this post. I’m leaving it up here for the whole world to see.