crap crap crap crap crap

I’m freaking out. Here I am, should totally be doing homework, you have NO idea how much I’ve got (with the exception of Lauren) and yet I can’t do it because I’m freaking out so much. I just can’t seem to buckle down and get the shit done and then I get pissed at myself for not doing it and then I start panicking not just because the work isn’t getting done but also because I’m so angry with myself.

I just need to do it … give myself something to feel good about … deal with the fucking situation.

Take this hill.

I miss my friends.

I miss my darling Alicia, who I was really truly beginning to build a wonderful relationship with until … life got in the way. And now I never see her anymore and, truthfully, I miss her a lot. I miss her input and her sense of humor and her strengths and weaknesses and cooking with her and her support and her inspiration and having her as my yoga buddy and feeling like I was one of the cool kids because she was my friend.

I miss Lauren. I get to see her twice a week at school, but we used to spend so much more time together and now we just don’t. I miss us confessing our secrets to each other and complaining incessantly and the fact that she understands some of the tiny facets of my personality that nobody else does and her deep throaty laugh and how much she makes me want to be a better person.

I miss Amron. Oh god, do I miss Amron. I miss her hands and her smell and her constant questioning of everything around her and how she dances and how she can get unbelievably excited about the tiniest little details of anything and how hard she works and her beautiful giggle and the comfort of being with my oldest friend who knows me in a way that nobody else ever will and how we can go for years without seeing each other and then have it be exactly the same as it always was.

I miss Heather. I miss how she cuddles up next to me on the couch and her silent laugh and the way she moves and how she always understands everything I’m going through in a relationship and how well-informed about the world she is and her unbridled enthusiasm for rocks and the fact that she never brushes her hair and her constant need to make sure everyone around her is ok and how unbelievably generous she is.

I miss Ashley. I miss being able to reach out to grab her anytime I want and her just-woke-up face and her beautiful giggle and the stories she has from traveling all over the world which she never tells with any sort of a superiority complex and that she sits with at least one foot up on the chair and how she can’t talk if she gets too stoned because she just can’t stop laughing and that she always made sure her house was a safe and happy place for me to be whenever I needed it and that after three years of not seeing each other or talking regularly she told me her biggest secret without thinking twice about it.

I miss you, girls. I miss you all so much.

Ok, I just started a new blog to put pictures up on. I got this digital camera and now I’m really starting to use it and to remember just exactly how much I used to adore photography. So I need a spot to put them up, because I don’t want to keep doing it here.

Honestly, I’m not really sure why I don’t want them to go up here, so don’t ask. I guess I like the idea of having somewhere totally dedicated to my re-found love.

Check it out … passage to peace.