I need to write this all out so that I can keep on top of my dreams and desires and wants, even if they’re just for the moment.

1) At eleven o’clock in the morning tomorrow I have an appointment with a personal trainer. I just rejoined the gym two weeks ago and haven’t been yet. Seeing this trainer is my opportunity to force myself back into it. She’s awesome and super hard-core and she comes into my work every single day, so I can’t just not show up. This is important to me because I want to look good for my wedding, but even more than that because I want to have a baby really soon and I need to be more healthy for that.

It’s been almost two years since I was actually in shape and since I put any work into it at all. I’m scared, really and truly, but I know that this is something I have to do.

2) Tomorrow before I go see my personal trainer, I am not going to smoke. When I leave her, I am not going to smoke. I have the next three days off of work and if I can’t do this now, I’m not sure that I will ever find a more convenient time. I hate doing this, hate it more than any of you can possibly imagine. I love being a smoker. It makes me feel distinct and cool and … yes … happy. But there’s that baby looming in the near future and I want to be the best that I can be.

I’m trying to think about it like this … “It’s going to be hard. But that’s all it is … hard. It’s not going to kill me, it’s not going to make me completely miserable, it’s just going to be hard.” But yet again I am completely terrified. I’m giving up something that I truly enjoy for an unknown. And it’s gonna be bitchingly difficult.

3) I need help. I need help getting back to the person I was two years ago, back to the person I really want to be. I need words of wisdom and love. I need people to drag me out for a yoga class no matter how much I protest, for tea and shopping … whatever. I need healthy recipes and advice about the newest and best websites and magazines. I really just need support.

The unfortunate thing about J is that while he is unbelievably supportive in some ways, in this particular thing he is lacking. He just doesn’t know what it means to want to change in these ways. So I need help from outside of my home.

I am not good at asking for help. For little mundane things, no problem. But when it comes to something like this, something where I’m openly expressing my terror and my necessity for help, this scares me senseless.

It pains me to admit it, but I’m totally freaking out.

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2 thoughts on “

  1. Firstly, how did it go? I’m unbelievably curious as to what a workout with a personal trainer is like, so let’s hear some details. In fact, why don’t you post it here? The more you think and write about this, the easier it will be to adhere to it.

    And even more importantly, here is what we’re going to do. Luke and I are moving to Vermont soon. Vermont, the land of mountains and lakes and bikepaths and parks and cool outdoorsy people wearing LL Bean. Even though we’ll all be living in Burlington, we’re going to be doing stuff OUTSIDE, no matter what the weather. Christ, we’ll be hanging out with Nate who might as well be called Mr Mountain Man.

    And even before you move to Vermont, you can do this. If you’re going to have a baby, you have to create the best possible environment for this kid. No nicotine, no drugs, no chemicals, no processed food crap. You guys are going to have spectacular children — why not give them every possible chance to thrive?

    The trick is not to entertain any other option. You and I are similar; once we get that idea into our heads that we could just skip/cheat this one time, we do it all the time. Skipping one time can’t be an option. At least not for a while.

    And you will get to the point where you can do all of this stuff for YOU. But not yet. Because I know you sooooo well, and you can’t do this for yourself quite yet. It’s got to be bigger than yourself to get you started — do it for the kids, do it for the people who were taken from this world too early and can’t do it for themselves. Do it for the good of the environment. Whatever it is, it should be huge. Once the pattern is established, THEN you can do it for yourself. And that will be oh so rewarding. But if we start doing it for ourselves right away, we won’t do it.

    Hmmm. Hopefully all this makes sense. I’m just sort of free associating after drinking a few beers, so I’m just running on intuition and adrenaline.

  2. I just have to point out, in defense of cambridge, you don’t need to go to vt to do cool outdoorsy stuff! I bike all winter and xc ski in the fells, and run nice runs around the river, and also up in Ipswich, there’s nothing inherent about being in boston that makes you stay inside or not wear llbean. maybe it takes some more effort to plan it, or to not pop out the back door onto a xc ski trail, but in burlington you probably have to do that too. And its not as cold here 🙂 So start now!

    biggest thing I’m proud of is how little I drive. Stop driving. thats actually the one reason I’d prefer boston, you never really need to drive, unless you are carrying hockey stuff 🙂

    do you have a bike? I think biking is the easist way to get into exercising while providing a feel-good benefit and also being rather convenient and providing stress-free travel compared to driving in boston. But perhaps you do a lot of walking to work/back.

    and since when does smoking make you feel cool? most of the smokers I know I guess still do it since they are addicted to the habit, but i didnt think they thought it was cool. or maybe that’s just the way my bro is.

    -A

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