I need to write this all out so that I can keep on top of my dreams and desires and wants, even if they’re just for the moment.
1) At eleven o’clock in the morning tomorrow I have an appointment with a personal trainer. I just rejoined the gym two weeks ago and haven’t been yet. Seeing this trainer is my opportunity to force myself back into it. She’s awesome and super hard-core and she comes into my work every single day, so I can’t just not show up. This is important to me because I want to look good for my wedding, but even more than that because I want to have a baby really soon and I need to be more healthy for that.
It’s been almost two years since I was actually in shape and since I put any work into it at all. I’m scared, really and truly, but I know that this is something I have to do.
2) Tomorrow before I go see my personal trainer, I am not going to smoke. When I leave her, I am not going to smoke. I have the next three days off of work and if I can’t do this now, I’m not sure that I will ever find a more convenient time. I hate doing this, hate it more than any of you can possibly imagine. I love being a smoker. It makes me feel distinct and cool and … yes … happy. But there’s that baby looming in the near future and I want to be the best that I can be.
I’m trying to think about it like this … “It’s going to be hard. But that’s all it is … hard. It’s not going to kill me, it’s not going to make me completely miserable, it’s just going to be hard.” But yet again I am completely terrified. I’m giving up something that I truly enjoy for an unknown. And it’s gonna be bitchingly difficult.
3) I need help. I need help getting back to the person I was two years ago, back to the person I really want to be. I need words of wisdom and love. I need people to drag me out for a yoga class no matter how much I protest, for tea and shopping … whatever. I need healthy recipes and advice about the newest and best websites and magazines. I really just need support.
The unfortunate thing about J is that while he is unbelievably supportive in some ways, in this particular thing he is lacking. He just doesn’t know what it means to want to change in these ways. So I need help from outside of my home.
I am not good at asking for help. For little mundane things, no problem. But when it comes to something like this, something where I’m openly expressing my terror and my necessity for help, this scares me senseless.
It pains me to admit it, but I’m totally freaking out.