Here’s what I’ve figured out …
No matter how prepared or ready you think you are, no matter how much you know or can really intelligently theorize, no matter how smart you are … when it comes to taking a new step in life, nobody knows shit.
All I’ve ever wanted to do with my life is be a mother. Honestly, that’s it. If you ask my mother what I wanted to be while I was growing up you’ll get a very wide variety of answers (cocktail waitress, chemist, prima ballerina, astronaut, inventor, etc.) but the one constant throughout all of that was my desire to be a mother. And now here I am, 10.5 weeks left until my first child is due and let me tell you, I was UNPREPARED for this.
I’m still unprepared. I still have no freakin’ clue what the hell I am doing now or am going to do when the baby shows up.
It’s a human being. That’s the thing that keeps getting to me. It’s a human fucking being and I’m carrying it around inside of me and then when it comes out, it’s mine to take care of and love and protect and teach and enjoy, etc. But it’s a human being! What do I normally do with human beings? I play with them when they’re fun, ignore them when I want to, listen to them talk about their problems. Sometimes I hurt them, because I want to or it’s easy or I just don’t care.
How do you take what you normally do in regular old everyday life and turn it into a parenting style? How do I take myself and turn myself into a parent?
And yet, I don’t even really need to figure that out, do I? Because in 11-ish weeks I am going to be a parent regardless of whether or not I’ve figured out how to be one.
Yes, I’m totally babbling here. Yes, I’m pretty much the most exhausted and sleep-deprived person on the face of the planet. Yes, I’m on an emotional roller-coaster that won’t slow down for about 18 years. And yes, I should just stop talking.
But aren’t you all lucky that I trust you enough to put fingers to keyboard so that you can read this?