I’ve been … well … I don’t really know. I haven’t really been too capable of writing recently because life has been so weird around me.

First of all, I’m fantastic. I’m going through this amazing change of really being able to laugh out loud for the first time in a long time. The other day I realized that I haven’t heard myself laugh in years (like honestly maybe as many as twenty of them). I somehow came up with the idea that I should laugh silently and that’s what I’ve been doing forever. But now I’ve been actively working on letting that laughter go, letting the belly laughs fill me, the giggles send me falling to the floor … whatever my laughter needs me to do.

Part of the reason this is necessary in my life is that I’ve also been really, truly shitty. I’ve got a baby showing up in six and a half weeks and my husband doesn’t have a job. It would have been amazing to have been able to take some time off of work before the baby showed up so that I could have spent time communing with my unborn child, getting ready for it, etc. But no. As is, my last day at work is going to be two weeks before my due date. Not so cool.

I have now pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be poor for the rest of my life. Honestly, it’s not so bad … Vermont is definitely the right state for it. I’m on Medicaid and WIC and today I’m applying for food stamps. But it’s still not easy for me to think about all the stuff I won’t be able to do for my kids. Ah, I guess that’s what grandparents are for, right?

But I am healthy. And, despite the occasional serious depression that sets in, I’m happy. And I honestly don’t think I could ask for much more than that right now. The rest of it will get figured out in time.

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One thought on “

  1. Some of the most joyful people I’ve known are the ones who go through depression…Me included. It is so debilitating, but sometimes I think that it is ultimately a gift…a symptom that something is not exactly on center.

    Glad we’re both back. Sending peaceful baby thoughts… 🙂

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