ack.

This is really hard. Even with the decision made, people already told, and me feeling so wonderful about it, it’s hard. I feel like I’m giving up, like I didn’t try hard enough, that this beautiful state let me down. I feel like how can anything really be better if all I’m doing is changing location again. Ack. It’s tough.

So now it’s time to make a list of the benefits of each place.

BURLINGTON
– fewer people
– more trees
– strong focus on local economy, local foods, local products, etc.
– BIG farm community
– 500 acres of farmland a two minute drive from my house (literally)
– cheaper rent
– cheaper car insurance (BY FAR!!!)
– a serious stepping-stone to our end-goal of living in the country
– in Vermont, where the state has been taking very good care of us
– we will someday be able to afford to buy a house here
– J will be happier if we stay
– for the first time in his life, J has a job that he likes
– it’s beautiful here

CAMBRIDGE
– the people who I want to help me raise my child
– my close friends
– cheaper groceries
– the grocery store I want to be shopping at (whole foods)
– Target
– better food
– built-in babysitting whenever I want it
– two moms who were my close friends even before we had kids
– movie theaters
– cheaper for my parents to come and visit
– our families would be closer (which is also not the greatest thing)
– yoga
– I’ll have people to help me with fitness/weight loss
– hockey for me
– frisbee for J
– we will NEVER be able to afford to buy a house there
– our friends
– our friends
– our friends
– I’ll be happier if we move back
– it’s home

So yeah. Looking at the lists makes it incredibly obvious that going back to Boston is for me, and staying here is for J. So is it selfish of me to go? Obviously I’m not changing my mind, because this is, without a doubt, the right decision. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard to be leaving, hard to have made this decision.

It’s making me sad. But honestly, staying here would make me infinitely sadder.

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3 thoughts on “ack.

  1. I just have to put in a ‘cambridge rules’ statement here, since I was just talking about this with mr. L the other day about how different his perception of Cambridge and VT is than mine, pace-wise, outdoorsy, etc., but I don’t think its the town but just how one lives, regardless of location, although it maybe it seems different to me since we now live on the edge of it rather than the middle.

    I feel like I spend most of my time outside doing stuff, and we have tons of trees and greenspace near us (I love being right next to fresh pond!) I love not needing to drive, anywhere. I like to be able to bike year round, and having the bike trail right near us is also awesome. I like the mix of urban AND farm (we have a farm right across the street from our house, that now has a CSA that we are getting veggies from each week) I bike each weekend with the mr. on 30-50mi loops that take us in areas that look very much like VT, beautiful farms, ponds, etc., and its all just west of our doorstep (concord, lincoln, etc) I like having one foot in urbanness and one foot able to go to the mystic lakes, or the fells, or the arlington reservoir. (all long runs I do) Both having a garden but being able to walk to Belmont Center for ice cream.

    I wouldn’t like living in VT, too hard to bike everywhere (things being further, and then in the winter, roads being too difficult) not as many job opportunities, not cheaper enough to offset what I’d give up.

    And I think if you are interested in local produce, etc., Whole Foods might be NOT where you want to shop, its super expensive for anything non-produce, and they markup the local stuff terribly. You should look at Russo’s, or any of the farmers markets I pass on my way home. Or a CSA is great too. We buy non-produce now at Trader Joe’s or Shaws, since its cheap, and then use the CSA or farmstands for produce (or soon our own garden which is doing well despite an aphid problem)

    The local community is full of people who are interested in the environment, sustainability, green building, etc.

    the not being able to get a house thing I get, but maybe looking a little outside of Cambridge would work.

    But just because things don’t work out in a new place is no reason to feel like you are defeated or giving up, that’s ridiculous. Sometimes things don’t fit right, sometimes things aren’t what they seemed, etc. It is important to remember that moving doesn’t fix a huge lot of stuff, though, it might make some things better, some harder, but in the infinite words of Buckaroo Banzai: “no matter where you go, there you are”

    anyway, I hope you figure out what works out best for all of you.

    -A

  2. oh, I just saw the ‘J has a job he likes’ – that certainly is a big swing in VT’s favor. I was assuming he was having as much trouble and L and L finding good opportunities there. I would say finances and friends/community seem to be the big pros/cons, one in VT’s favor and one in Boston’s. the others seem like they could be figured out in either place, and actually, exploring yoga/frisbee/hockey in VT (I know they exist there!) might be a way to meet folks as well. Though I guess it takes time to build a sense of support through new friends, etc.

    -A

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