a strange goodbye …

Today I sold my car. I’ve had the car for a little over two years and I have loved him. His name was Sirius, named after Sirius Black (Harry Potter’s godfather). He was beautiful, fast, sturdy, and safe. Unfortunately, he was also costing me an arm and a leg to keep running. So instead of spending the money on him, I bought a new car, which I will be picking up from the dealership tomorrow.

So this is my goodbye to Sirius. You will be truly missed.

the big ta-da!

Ok, my loyal readers, my friends.

I have been saving this up until I thought it was actually ready to be viewed. And now, at last, I’m ready to share it with you.

If you click on the photo above you’ll be able to see is what I’ve been working on with my mom, what I’ve been slaving away at when I’m not slaving away at this whole mothering thing.

I hope you enjoy it.

(you’ll also be able to find it in my links)

Also, I’ve started posting my non-baby photos in my photo blog again, so check that out in my links too.

limbo …

I’m still feeling like I’m in limbo these days. I’m … well … I’m at a loss for what to do with my life.

But there are some things I know for certain:

– I’m hysterically happy to be moving back to Boston. Must go home … no two ways about that.

– I have A LOT of support out there. Basically everybody thinks that whatever I decide to do is the right thing. Obviously there are people pushing for me to make a decision in a particular direction, but they’ve also expressed support for whatever I choose to do. That’s really comforting to know.

– I *am* stronger than I’ve ever been before. I feel like I’m totally capable of making whatever decision needs to be made. Could be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but right now I’m actually able to do it.

– My son is the most wonderful, incredible, exhausting, beautiful, brilliant person I’ve ever met. He will challenge me for the rest of my life and I find that to be intensely awesome. He is also the best reason I’ve ever had for doing anything, so if I figure out that something in my life needs to be changed for his sake, I will change it.

– The funny thing about relationships is that in the grand scheme of life only one of the really matters … the one each of us has with ourself. So although that is the relationship in my life which most easily falls to the wayside, that has to change. I will be a better friend, wife, lover, mother, and all-around human being if I can improve the relationship I have with myself.

– Talking really helps. I have a habit of discussing only pieces of the hard stuff and glossing over anything that’s REALLY bad, even with my absolute best friends. But I have recently been very openly talking about what’s going on in my life with everyone. And the honesty that’s been coming back to me has been amazing. It’s true: if you put it out into the universe, it comes back to you. Honesty breeds honesty.

– Therapy is about the most awesome thing ever. The above mentioned honesty? Entirely due to my therapist. She’s incredible and I feel like I’ve been learning tons and tons about myself since I started seeing her. She will be the main thing I miss about Vermont.

– Having things that I’m doing on my own, for myself, is super helpful. I’ve got a job that I’m loving right now, and it’s entirely for me, and it’s making me joyous. I need more things like that. I need to get better at taking a break from Darwin and going and doing my own thing. Even if J’s not the most enthusiastic person about being left alone with our son (which is SO odd in its own right) and is therefore not necessarily providing the level of care I want for the little man, *I* really need the time for myself. Without it I will go nuts.

– And, finally, writing is awesome. Be it actually journaling or internet journaling, it’s really good for me to get it down, get it written, get it out of my head. It helps me process. It helps me let go. It helps.

when she learned that she
didn’t have to plug into
someone or something
like a toaster in the wall

when she learned that she
was a windmill and had only
to raise her arms
to catch the universal whisper
and turn
turn
turn

she moved
oh how she moved
and her dance was a marvel.

-Carol Lynn Pearson

on life and living …


I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about the person I have become.

For almost half my life now the main emphasis in it has been the relationship I’m in. For the past 7 years that’s been infinitely more true. Somehow I have grown into the belief that I am defined by my relationships with other people (or just one other person). I’m not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a thing, one that I’m taking note of.

I stopped, a while ago, trying to nourish my artistic spirit. J thinks that the art I do (collage, photography, etc.) is all relatively silly. Well, no, he’s never actually said that. But what he has done is just never been interested in really looking at it, talking about it, etc. So I’ve put it aside. The things I am most interested in now are things that he is also interested in.

Why is this ok? Why do I think it’s alright to put aside the person who I am, who I want to be just because of my relationship with someone else? It’s like I got into this relationship with him and just put myself in a box, on a shelf, to wait until I had grown dusty. I am definitely involved in an abusive relationship, but it’s one that I have created for myself. No longer can I blame J for the fact that I don’t do the things I want to be doing. This is my life after all, I should be the one who says how I get to live it. Instead of setting myself up for failure, I need to insure that I can succeed. Don’t wait for J to do awesome stuff … just go and do it on my own.

I have always been afraid that if I really go and live my own life that J and I will end up being two completely different people living two completely separate lives just in the same house. So instead I sit around waiting for him to decide that now is the time when he’s going to want to start doing the stuff that I want to do. What a load of crap for both of us! For me, it means I’m never going to live the life that I want to if I just sit around waiting around for him to make the first move so that I can be the person I want to be. And for him it means that I’m always waiting for him to become a different person so that I can be more myself, instead of just learning to be myself and letting him be himself.

So here’s the question … if I keep living my life like this isn’t that worse than if he and I live completely separate lives? I mean, what’s the worst that happens … I discover that the person I want to be doesn’t actually want to be with him? And if that’s true, then I move on with my life and live as I want to. Obviously that’s infinitely easier said than done, but it is possible. And even if I’m living without him, I’d actually be living with myself, not just this shell of me.

Huh. How odd. I think I’m really on to something here.

So now I just have to figure out how to get past whatever fears I’ve got holding me back. Everything else can be worked around, it’s the fear that’s really the problem.

Golly. I set out to write something completely different, but here I am at this incredible point where everything could change. Amazing how life works. I am in constant awe.

I like this bandwagon!

Inspired by Lauren, I want to share my current food obsessions.

1. Nectarines. I actually always have this obsession, and they’re not even really in season yet, but this year I have already been consuming them in massive quantities. By the time they’re actually in season I might be sick of them.

2. Soysage. Oh my god, the most delicious meat replacer on the face of the fucking planet. No joke. I make myself a burrito with it every day for lunch.

3. Fire-Roasted Chipotle Salsa. Again, something that I’ve been obsessed with for several years now, but my obsession just isn’t going away, so I feel I should share it.

4. Beans. Why did I never understand before just how delicious beans are? They’re incredible, versatile, easy to cook, and oh-so tasty!

5. Maria and Ricardo’s whole wheat tortillas. You know how whole wheat tortillas inevitably split and crack when you don’t want them to? Well, not these. These are moist and they stick together like nobody’s business. And they’re awesomely tasty too, so no complaints on that front.

6. Heidi Swanson’s spice loaf (which is called gingerbread here). This is, no doubt, the most insanely delicious dessert I’ve ever made. It’s intensely sweet and sticky and gingery and is SOOOOO good covered in strawberries and whipped cream. Yum.

So many more, so many more. But that’ll have to do for now.