For almost half my life now the main emphasis in it has been the relationship I’m in. For the past 7 years that’s been infinitely more true. Somehow I have grown into the belief that I am defined by my relationships with other people (or just one other person). I’m not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a thing, one that I’m taking note of.
I stopped, a while ago, trying to nourish my artistic spirit. J thinks that the art I do (collage, photography, etc.) is all relatively silly. Well, no, he’s never actually said that. But what he has done is just never been interested in really looking at it, talking about it, etc. So I’ve put it aside. The things I am most interested in now are things that he is also interested in.
Why is this ok? Why do I think it’s alright to put aside the person who I am, who I want to be just because of my relationship with someone else? It’s like I got into this relationship with him and just put myself in a box, on a shelf, to wait until I had grown dusty. I am definitely involved in an abusive relationship, but it’s one that I have created for myself. No longer can I blame J for the fact that I don’t do the things I want to be doing. This is my life after all, I should be the one who says how I get to live it. Instead of setting myself up for failure, I need to insure that I can succeed. Don’t wait for J to do awesome stuff … just go and do it on my own.
I have always been afraid that if I really go and live my own life that J and I will end up being two completely different people living two completely separate lives just in the same house. So instead I sit around waiting for him to decide that now is the time when he’s going to want to start doing the stuff that I want to do. What a load of crap for both of us! For me, it means I’m never going to live the life that I want to if I just sit around waiting around for him to make the first move so that I can be the person I want to be. And for him it means that I’m always waiting for him to become a different person so that I can be more myself, instead of just learning to be myself and letting him be himself.
So here’s the question … if I keep living my life like this isn’t that worse than if he and I live completely separate lives? I mean, what’s the worst that happens … I discover that the person I want to be doesn’t actually want to be with him? And if that’s true, then I move on with my life and live as I want to. Obviously that’s infinitely easier said than done, but it is possible. And even if I’m living without him, I’d actually be living with myself, not just this shell of me.
Huh. How odd. I think I’m really on to something here.
So now I just have to figure out how to get past whatever fears I’ve got holding me back. Everything else can be worked around, it’s the fear that’s really the problem.
Golly. I set out to write something completely different, but here I am at this incredible point where everything could change. Amazing how life works. I am in constant awe.