My dear Red Sox,
They told me and told me that you would break my heart. But tonight you proved them wrong.
Thank you for being so wonderful. Thank you for not disappointing me. Thank you for playing your hearts out, to the absolute best of your abilities, all season long. I am proud to be a member of Red Sox Nation.
And to those of you who have particularly captured my heart (Mikey, Youk, Bapelbop, Okie-Dokie, Dusty-P), I will miss you. I hope like hell that I’ll see you all back again next season, but if I don’t, it’s been great sharing this with you. I am proud of each and every one of you.
Today I am sad.
I’m sad because I don’t feel like I’m in control of my own life. I feel like I am too often living at the whim of others … J, Darwin, my mom, etc. Most of the time I don’t notice. Today it makes me sad.
I’m sad because I’m fat. I’m not saying it to fish for compliments or reassurances, so please don’t bother. I’m saying it because it’s true. My son is almost a year old and I haven’t lost a single pound of the baby weight. I weigh 150 pounds, I’m 5’3, and until just recently I haven’t done anything about it. I joined a gym a week ago and was fully expecting that the weight would just come flying off. It, of course, did not. Who was I kidding? It’s going to take hard work to get it off, and that prospect scares me.
I’m sad because I’m scared. I’m so sick and fucking tired of living my life like this terrified little creature. You know what? I’m strong. I’m totally powerful. I gave birth to a 7lb 13oz baby without ever once really considering medication. It hurt like fucking hell but I knew how I wanted my child to be born, I knew what I wanted my labor experience to be like, so I pushed through the pain. Now you tell me, why can’t I live my entire life like that? Why can’t I always be the strong, powerful woman who I was that day? Why do I normally live my life like a complete chickenshit?
I’m sad because I don’t want to be writing all this. I don’t want to always be complaining about the same old shit. I want for things to change! I want to be living the life I actually want to be living. I don’t want to have to bore you all with the same old drivel.
And I’m also sad because I wanted to go see a movie and go out to lunch, but it didn’t happen. So now I’m sulking. Ain’t I just the most annoying thing in the world?
Here it is, 6:15 in the am and I am awake. Not for the reason that I’m normally awake at this hour of the day … no, no … Darwin is still fast asleep. Instead this morning I am awake because it is J’s first day of work. He got a job for a small construction company with the potential for serious upward mobility. It’s the best thing around.
But as I got up this morning to make his lunch and send him off to his first day with tons of kisses, I found myself in a little bit of a panic. When he’s out of work I get so accustomed to him being around, and it is so nice. Don’t get me wrong here, the money is … well … an absolute necessity. And it’s also incredibly nice to have him out of my hair. But I just like having him around so much, you know, that it’s hard to give that up. Even if it is the only possibility.
So there you have it. A little momentary confession of weakness as 6:15 in the morning.