I am, to put it mildly, sick. Definitely on the mend, but still sick, sick, sick. Been sick since Saturday. Ready to be done now. Tired of the chapped nose from wiping it, and the sore throat from coughing. Tired of feeling like crap.
But, on the kind of good side, I’ve been the kind of sick where I have absolutely no appetite, so I haven’t been eating anything. I know, I know, that makes me sound totally anorexic. But it’s not that. It’s just that I’ve been surviving on an almost entirely liquid diet for the last five days, and so part of me feels great. I’m hungry, but not starving … just pleasantly aware of the existence of my digestive system. And I feel very detoxified as well. It’s actually quite nice.
Anyway. Just thought I would share.
Here is my question for you today …
Why do we self-sabotage? Why do we not do the things that we know we need to, even though by doing them we will end up happier and healthier?
There are two examples of this in my life:
– My husband says, “You don’t communicate with me. If you talked to me more then we’d have an easier time of it.” Which makes me talk to him less, because I feel such overwhelming pressure to be all communicative. And all the while I’m having these incredibly long deep conversations with him in my head, but when he’s around I am much more guarded and quiet.
– I know, as in I’m absolutely 100% positive, that yoga is the key to my health and weight-loss. But I don’t go. The opportunities come and go and I don’t ever take them. Instead I just think about how I should be going, and about how much better my life would be if I was. But I don’t ever do it.
So tell me … how do I change this behavior? How do I stop the cycle of self-sabotage?
(Edited to add: You know how you stop the cycle? You simply decide that whatever waits on the other end of your fear is going to be worth dealing with the fear itself. And then you just go and do it. Can you tell that I actually went to yoga today?)
I have a job … did I tell you that yet? No, probably not. I’m working as an administrative assistant for a small but prestigious product development company in Somerville. The office is 1 mile from my house, right off the bike path. My hours are 8am-12pm, which means that Darwin still gets to be my priority and I’ve got time to work on the website. There isn’t much for me to do right now, so the job is pretty frickin’ boring, but they’re paying me nonetheless. And we get dental.
The job is perfect.
This is my third week of work and up until this point Darwin’s been cared for by his grandmother, J’s mom. She’s not really the person I would choose to help me raise my child, but she’s got years and years of experience from running a daycare, she loves him intensely, and she’s free. We knew it wasn’t a long-term solution, but it was great for the short.
Today Darwin started daycare for real. I dropped him off at 7:30 this morning and I’m not picking him up until 6.
This means that when I leave work today I’m going to have 6 hours entirely to myself. SIX. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had that much time to myself? Well, I can tell you … the last time that I had 6 uninterrupted hours to myself was in June 2006. Isn’t that sad?
So today I’m going to leave work, go to the gym, go home, do laundry, do dishes, clean the kitchen floor, plan and shop for dinner tonight, and then (if I have time) sit and watch a movie while I work on the curtains I’m making for my mom. Honestly, not so different from my normal days, except that now I’m going to be doing all of this BY MYSELF and that I don’t have to wait to do half this stuff until the boy is sleeping.
I’m half elated and the other half just wants to burst into tears.
This is just the beginning. He will get used to it. And he’ll almost definitely still love me when I pick him up.