I haven’t been writing much. I haven’t been thinking much. Hell, I haven’t been doing much of anything.
We’re going through another bad spot … days and nights filled with tension, arguments, avoiding even the smallest physical contact. The emotions in our house are so tight right now, only relaxing when in the company of others or when trying to act normal for Darwin.
This marriage was a mistake. Let’s be honest here, this relationship was a mistake from the very beginning, but when it started there was nobody who we would have allowed to tell us that. And the idea that having a child would make it better? How naive could I possibly have been? Don’t get me wrong here, I love that child with all my heart, but I decided to have a baby for all the wrong reasons.
I have always believed that we would survive anything because we had such unbelievably strong passion for each other. Our relationship has never known an even keel. We have huge ups and down, screaming arguments followed by intense late-night declarations of our mutual adoration. But these days the ups aren’t as high, and the lows just keep getting lower. I am not sure that any amount of love can save this.
And I’m not sure that I actually care that much.
What a fucked up thing to say.
I just, at this point in time, am not actually sure that I’ve ever been in love with the person who my husband actually is. I think there’s the distinct possibility that I’ve spent the last 12 years of my life in love with the person I thought he someday could be. The person I’m starting to realize that he doesn’t really have any desire to be. Weird, right? And trust me, it goes both ways.
So that’s me. Here I am stuck having the same fight over and over again, exhausted from the strain of trying to work through a relationship that I’m not sure I even really want to be in anymore.
Somebody whose blog I read religiously just commented here on mine and she said: It’s hard though, and staying is only worth it if both of you are there to show up with full hearts every day promising at the very least this: that you will not intentionally hurt the other, and that you both are willing to grow.
I don’t think that either of us could promise either of those things right now.
It ain’t pretty, folks. It just ain’t pretty.