stagnant

Today I’m feeling overwhelmingly, heart-achingly sad.  Sometimes I feel like my life is out of my control and I don’t know how I got here or how to get out.

I’m 50 pounds overweight and I’m having a bitch of a time getting myself to do anything about it.  I know once I start keeping my momentum up will not be too hard.  But for right now inertia is killing me, and I’m feeling incredibly sad that I’m not doing anything to change.  Sadness makes me eat.  Vicious cycle.

I’m in a fairly unhappy marriage.  It’s not that we’re going through a bad patch, it’s that we’re unhappy together and we occasionally go through good patches.  Right now is not one of those times.  Usually vacations give us enough time together doing cool stuff to spice up and improve our life together for a while.  But that didn’t happen on this vacation.  We, in fact, had a horrible time and it took a serious toll.  Right now nothing is particularly good and I’m really feeling the effects of that.

I have a 2 year-old son who’s going through exactly what any 2 year-old is supposed to be going through – testing limits, throwing fits, having tantrums, etc.  But my emotional state is not conducive to dealing with it … I get more frustrated and angry with him every day, and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to be helpful in the long run.  What I want is to be calm, and not super emotionally invested, so that when I punish him I’m not doing it out of frustration, I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do and will have long-term benefits for his life.

Also, I’ve reached the point where according to my biological clock and my deep-seated emotional desires I want another baby.  I want my son to have siblings and emotionally now feels like the right time.  Except that it’s so obviously not and my lovely brain knows that.  So my emotions are constantly warring with my brain and I’m in this giant tail-spin of wanting a baby and knowing that, in all likelihood, I’m never going to have another one.  Or at least I’m not going to have another one while my life is like this.

I have no career and no prospects for one.  I’m working a job which doesn’t require me to ever use my brain.  Maybe some people wouldn’t have a problem with this, but I’m actually smart enough that I find it frustrating and saddening.  My job is just fine, but I want something more.

And that’s just it … I want something more.  My husband, when we’re fighting, complains that I’m always waiting for other people to do the hard work for me, that I’m happy to simply sit back in my bubble and wait for the world to change itself to fit my needs.  Is he right?  Am I not taking an active enough role in my own life?  Am I waiting for someone/something to come and save me?

I want something more.  It’s up to me to make that happen.  How do I do it?  What steps do I take?

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4 thoughts on “stagnant

  1. Maybe we could come up with some goals together and keep eachother in check. I’ve been telling myself every day for the last eighteen months that I’ll be more active tomorrow, I’ll lose weight, I’ll be proactive. I completely bullshit myself every day. I’m with you.

  2. Babe,
    You are so capable of doing things when you are sure of the outcome.
    The problem is you don’t know what will happen if you start to push the limits now.
    Will you fail? Scary.
    Will you succeed? Scarier.
    You have been soul deep sad for a long time.
    It breaks my heart in ways I am not going to get into on the online.
    The long and the short of it is this:
    YOU NEED to muster the strength to start doing something to change your life.
    It does not (simply utterly does not) matter where you start.
    Don’t worry if it’s the right place. Just start somewhere.
    You will be surprised at what you are capable of.
    If you don’t you will look back at this day as one of the better ones because you will be so much more unhappy than you are now.
    You can do this…I don’t what “this” is. But I know you have it in you.
    Find it. Find it for you. Find it for that baby. Find it for your future, whatever it may hold.
    I love you and I am ALWAYS going to be here.

  3. Are you afraid of pushing towards what you want since it would divide you and your husband more? That could be part of it. While you might not be taking an active role in what you want (as your husband says) there might be some deep-seated reasons for that.

    So lets say you are a type of person that needs a bit of support/encouragement/inspiration to seek out the things that give you purpose. But that you are also a person that without that striving is unhappy.That’s fine, you just need to find that source to help you succeed or at least become less afraid of taking those first few steps.

    Your husband might be the type to be fine w/ the status quo and not push himself or you or others. He’s fine with resting within in his own potential and never seeking his limits, which translates to supporting others seeking theirs. Which is fine too, for him if he’s happy, but if you are looking to him to be that source you seek, you are instead finding the opposite of what you need, a source of stagnation. You need to look elsewhere, possibly simply deeper within yourself. You can do anything you want, you need to believe that and live that.

  4. It sounds like you are in a really challenging spot….but you know what is amazing…you have recognized it…many people live in such difficult situations but are unable to articulate it as clearly as you have. You know what is off. That is big. Having children, being married, finding a career that fits….those are all things that take a tremendous amount of work. My mother gave a quote once that I love…I’m not sure I’m getting it right here but it goes something like “we turn to spirit when our foundations are shaken only to discover that it is our spirit that is shaking them.” Perhaps that momentum you are waiting for is building beneath you at this very moment. I think you know what needs to happen. I think you just need an opportunity to listen to that still center within you….and to trust what it says.

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