worries

I worry that my friends who are coupled off, happily married, etc. will no longer want to hang out with me.

I worry that he will start drinking all the time again, and I will know that it’s my fault.

I worry that he will never be truly happy again, and will spend the rest of his life angry and bitter and sad (trust me, I know that this is totally self-centered, but I’m just listing my concerns here).

I worry that I will still run into him at social gatherings and I will, for the rest of my life, feel guilty that he’s in such rough shape because I’m not there to take care of him anymore.

I worry that he’ll drink himself to death, either by a long life of drinking or by driving himself off a cliff somewhere.

I worry that he’ll actually get his act together and become the wonderful person I know he can be and then I’ll feel horrible because he couldn’t do it while he was with me and had to wait until I was gone.

I worry that the little one will grow up thinking it was his fault, instead of understanding that what he did was open my eyes to the possibility of a better life.

I worry that I’ll end up repeating the same patterns over again in any other relationship I have.

I worry that I’ll never find anyone better for me.

I worry that I’ll end up alone.

I worry that I’ll never be happy again.

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3 thoughts on “worries

  1. of course you already know this, but I could have written some of this almost exactly, what is it now, 10 years ago? specifically, 2,3,4, and 5. #1 was a bit different, I was worried that I’d not be welcome in the group of friends anymore, no one was married, and not as many couples either!

    I admit though, the rest didn’t occur to me as much – #6, I actually didn’t think he’d become the person I wanted/thought he was, which is why I think I finally left him. Instead, I started to realize the only reason I was still with him is that I wanted to hold on to who I thought he was, and as long as we were dating and had the comfort and mental connection that comes with a long-term relationship I could squint and see what I wanted to see even though it was rapidly dissipating.

    I did worry that I wouldn’t find anyone else, but at the same time I realized at that time that I was happier alone anyway and was okay w/ that. I didn’t worry that I was going to repeat the same relationship, since my worry was that I was scared since that mental connection we had was so much because I met him when I was more undefined, I KNEW a new relationship would never get to that same kind of level, since I now KNEW where I ended, I could never merge that way again. and I was right, not only did I not see what I saw in him three months later, people who have met me and him post-breakup can’t picture us together at all. and I don’t know if that is a sad thing or not.

    Sometimes you can hold on to a kernel of someone when 90% of them changes around that – it takes a step back to see the situation for what it is, and it can be a painful realization.

    of course, they aren’t the same relationships, different folks, etc., but its hard not to see the few key parallels. So just offering my perspective, if it helps.

  2. The truth is you will get to a point…and it will probably take awhile, but you will get there, when you realize it was not anything you did or didn’t do that allowed for him to be in good or bad condition.
    Having dated an addict and having loved him, trust me, I get the part about worrying about life after me, or in this case you.
    You have (as I did) tried so hard. You have been a constant in his life of depression, addiction, and turmoil. But in the end he has not chosen to become someone else. He has not chosen to take advantage of all the things available to him.
    He may never do that. Or someday he might wake up. But whatever he chooses it is not because you did anything right or wrong. It is entirely his choice.

    I know that you think you will look different to your married friends. That they will see you as having failed at something that they are succeeding at. They won’t. They will see this as a triumph. Your friends married and single have worried about you for years. Wondering how much more you could take. They are always gong to support you. Shit, if they supported you in your marriage you can be damn sure they will support you out of too. They aren’t going anywhere.

    Your little one…good lord if there were ever a kid who would be able to see the bigger picture it’s him. It may take him a long time, but he’ll get there. I can tell you this one from experience as well. It won’t be easy for him. But you are giving him one of the greatest gifts you can; an example. Now when someone is treating him badly or he’s not getting what he needs out of a relationship he knows he doesn’t need to stay. You are laying such an important foundation for him right now….he needs this as much as you do.

    Will you find someone better? Yes. There is no doubt. You should take sometime to be by yourself. Recover. But you will find someone.

    Will you ever be happy? Yes. Babe the whole world is about to be yours for the taking. And you have already started reaching for it. This is so huge. You are on the brink of agonizing pain and self-doubt mixed with more confidence than you ever thought you could have mixed with days of sheer joy…it’s coming for you babe….well let’s be honest you are coming for it.

  3. M – sometimes it blows my mind that 3000 miles away (and nearly 10 years later), you are there immersed in a life full of people that I knew and experiences that are oddly familiar to me.

    YOU are full of beauty and intelligence. We all want you to be everything we know you can be and everything you want to be. Please stop waiting for him to realize his potential and instead start being your own.

    -trp

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