fear

Sometimes I look at this thing that I am contemplating doing, this leaving of my husband, and all I can see is the good parts of that.  I would be free to explore who I am outside of a relationship, any relationship.  I would be able to burn incense again.  I could decorate the house how I want to.  I could eat nothing but fruit all summer long.  I could become a vegetarian without having to fight about why I wasn’t going to cook him meat anymore.  I would learn to depend on myself.  I would no longer have to feel alone all the time, despite the fact that I have a partner.  I would potentially be able to find someone with whom I am actually be better suited.  And most importantly I would, hopefully, no longer have him tethering me down and would instead figure out who I really want to be and then become that person.

But it’s not all positive, you know?  I would have to explain to the little one about why Dada wasn’t around anymore.  I would be giving up any speck of free time that I have.  I would have to get a roommate, after living with nobody but him for 7 years.  I’d be 30 years old and divorced.  I would be admitting defeat.   And I would be a single mother.

I don’t know how to ask for help.  It’s something that’s gotten in my way, something that’s strongly affected my life in a million different ways.  But it’s true … I don’t know how to ask for help.  I don’t know to ask my friends, who have their own lives, who are all about to start having their own children, for help.  I don’t think I can raise the boy on my own.  I don’t think that I am emotionally strong enough to be the mother I want to be without ever getting a break.  Because that’s what I’m talking about here.

And I know, I could hire a babysitter.  Parents do it all the time.  But I would be the primary care taker all the time.  I would be the only one to go pick him up from school when he was sick.  I would be the only one going to soccer games and school plays.  I would be doing it alone.

The thing is that I know my friends will help.  I know that my support system is stronger than I give them credit for.  But I can not expect that my friends will raise my child.  I can not expect them to become parents simply because I decide to leave my husband.

This is my biggest concern.  This is what keeps me up at night.  This is why I haven’t left yet.

The real question is … how different is that from how it is now?  Not as different as you might think, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid.

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2 thoughts on “fear

  1. You are never, ever alone. We’re in this all together. And I bet asking for help will be easier than you think it is… so I say give it a whirl. It beats feeling sad when we don’t pick up on the cues (I do the same thing, but I’m working on it too). Love you dearly.

  2. Here’s what’s both excellent and scary at the same time: you have taken the words out of my mouth… mostly.

    I don’t check this blog too often, but it’s pretty amazing to see it today of all days. Lauren is right. You are not alone, in more ways than you think.

    For the first time in my life I am making sure that I don’t model weak, disfunctional and indecisive behavior for my 3 little girls. As parents we are supposed to make educated, honest choices about our lives for the purpose of benefitting our kids. Being strong, knowing who you are and most certainly asking for help are all things a child should grow up learning about.

    I am working on my relationship every day. We have even set a deadline for when we will potentially throw in the towel and try something different.

    Good luck, mystery friend. I’ll try to stay in touch and keep you updated.

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