steps

I am so sick and tired of this old merry-go-round that I’m on right now.  We have the same discussions over and over again, the same fights, come to the same conclusions, and nothing is changing.  I told J that if he wants us to go see a therapist that he needs to be the one who finds said therapist.  Weeks later and nothing has happened, he’s waiting for people to call him back, shopping around, etc.  And even though I’m sitting and waiting for something to happen those are still his conditions … he won’t consider splitting up until we’ve been to see one.  So yet again I do the work, find a therapist, call up and get us an appointment.  When J’s in charge it takes weeks, when I decide to take the reigns it takes 10 minutes.  That’s the way it always is.

He has asked me to be willing to go into therapy with an open mind, but the truth is that I think it’s too late for that.  I think that a year ago, or even six months ago, I would have been able to have an open mind.  But now, now I think we might have moved past that point.  Now I’m ready to be done.  He wants to go to therapy so that we can work through our problems.  I want to go to therapy so we can mediate our divorce.

We’ll see.  We’ll see what happens on Monday.  We’ll see if I an actually manage to get anything across to him.  We’ll see if having a stranger in the room with us is helpful.  We’ll see.

At the very least it’s a small step in the direction that I want to be going in.

tired

It’s midnight, my alarm’s going to go off at 6:30, and I can’t sleep.

I’m just afraid that nobody’s ever going to want me again. I’m afraid that I will be lonely and alone and sad and unlucky in love forever. And that nobody will ever kiss me again, nuzzle my neck again, gently place their hand in the small of my back. I’m afraid that I’ll never have that kind of intimacy again.

I’m not just talking about sex here, folks. I’m talking about the kind of intimacy you get when you’ve been with somebody, when you know somebody, when you really love somebody. The kind of intimacy that comes from really wanting to be with somebody.

It’s been a long time since my relationship had that going on. I miss it. And I’m afraid it’ll never happen for me again.

blah

I haven’t written in a good long while.  My parents have been around for the last week, hanging out with me and Darwin.

Also, I just don’t really know what to write.  I feel kind of stuck, kind of at a standstill.  My dad said, “It’s seems like you’ve already made up your mind about what to do, but don’t know what the next step is.”  He’s both right and wrong.  I’m 90% sure that I’ve made my mind up.  But that final 10% is the part that’s killing me right now.

Besides, J says he won’t actually sign any divorce papers until we’ve been to see a family therapist.  He says that he doesn’t want to go to try and convince me that we should stay together, but because if we leave things the way they are now we’ll never be able to communicate appropriately for the rest of our lives.  And considering that we’re actually going to be tied to each other forever (because of Darwin), that we need to figure out how to not be angry.

I keep trying to explain to him that I’m not angry anymore.  I’m not.  Really.  I’m disappointed and sad and feeling entirely distant from the situation.  But the only time I get angry anymore is when J gets angry with me.  He’s angry with me.  He’s pissed all the time, but he’s also not doing anything about it.  He likes to tell me that I’ve ruined his life, that he’s been so miserable and angry for 8 years that I’ve put him in the place that he’s in right now, that everything that’s wrong in our relationship is my fault.  But if that’s true, how come he hasn’t left yet?

Blah.  Whatever.

So anyway, that’s what’s been going on here.  Divorce is what I want.  In order for me to get what I want, I need to give J what he wants.  It’s not the biggest deal in the world, as long as I actually get what I want.

amazing

I’m sure that everybody has seen this by now, but I just rediscovered them.

There’s something about the pure simplicity of this that makes me cry.  They are absolutely amazing.

The first one (from 2006):

And the new one (from 2008):

Sisyphus

I have known the withering and the giving in,
the withering and the giving in to weakness

always and the breath that comes easier after
rolling back down into valleys, and the fog a child

loses himself in purposely for the need to be unguarded,
what I grope through even now, blindly downward,

scrambling with the balding weight I carry for a time,
drop and let roll, carry for a time, drop and let roll.

– Gary J. Whitehead

boys

I think that if Darwin had been born a girl that my relationship would already be over.  Somehow it seems to me that the single mother of a girl would have a much easier time than the single mother of a boy.  I find myself worrying a lot about my son having a primary strong male influence in his life.  While he is surrounded by many wonderful men, I think that his life would be greatly improved by having a father.

Is that strange?  Am I wrong to be worrying about it so much?

packed

I am exhausted.  I made sure that my weekend was packed with action so that I didn’t have to think too much about what was going on in my life.

Friday and Saturday I was in Vermont with some very old friends, reliving the glory days and catching up on 13 years apart from each other.  These lovely ladies that I was hanging out with were my best friends in high school and we had a severe falling out.  I’ve been carrying around the trauma of that for the last 13 years and now I feel like I”m going to finally be able to give it up and move on.  We drank sangria and looked at old photos and danced and talked until the wee hours of the night.  And then on Saturday we went out for breakfast and then went back to my friend Sage’s house and did bodywork on each other.  It’s the first time I’ve really put my hands on someone since I graduated from massage school.  It was awesome.  It felt like another layer of myself coming back to me.

Yesterday I spent the morning with another friend who was in town with her son who’s 2 days older than Darwin and then spent the afternoon at a brithday party for a 1 year-old.

All in all it was a great weekend, but now here I am, alone, having to face the loneliness and worry.  I’m trying to jam-pack the evenings of this week as well, but even so I’ve got nothing filling my days.  So all the concern and doubt and emotions still have plenty of space to come rushing in.  I guess that’s kind of how it’s got to go right now though.

And now he’s gone. He got in his truck and drove off while I stood in the window and watched him go.

I feel overwhelmed with sadness. This isn’t even the real thing. This isn’t even the real thing, you know? It’s like practice for if we actually split up. Ad yet I’m still here swimming in emotion, distraught that he’s gone, feeling guilty and sad and desperate.

For however long he’s gone I need to make sure that I continue on the path I’ve been traveling. I need to keep myself busy, keep myself entertained, and keep myself thinking. I have to make sure I don’t forget what I’ve been thinking and feeling simply because I don’t have the daily reminder of him here.

I’m exhausted. I just want someone to tell me that this is the right thing to be doing and that everything is going to be ok.

distance

04-01-09-032-2

I keep on thinking I’m done with the emotional aspect of this.  Everybody keeps saying that I seem like I’m in such high spirits, considering what I’m dealing with these days.  And I have been!  I’ve been feeling excited about the prospects before me, about the doors opening, about what the future could have in store.  I’ve been feeling hopeful that the changes I feel in myself won’t go away, that I won’t simply sink back into being the same old me that I so desperately want to get rid of.

I think that’s the thing I’m having the hardest time expressing to him right now … that the changes occurring right now are starting within me, deep within me in a place which I’ve been wanting to change for so long.  What happens between us is merely a by-product of those internal changes.

We have good days, you know?  Days when we seem to be able to laugh and talk almost like we used to.  Days when he seems to be trying particularly hard to make the changes I need made.  Days when I can almost forget how miserable I am.  Yesterday was one of those days, one of those fleetingly joyful days, and so when I woke up this morning I was deeply entrenched in the emotions of it all again … the feelings of loss and mourning and exhaustion.

But yesterday I also took off my wedding ring and hung it from a chain around my neck.  But now it feels like The One Ring, weighing down my heart and mind and spirit in a way that it never did around my finger.

I don’t know what this means.  I don’t know what any of it means.  I simply want something to change.

I find myself repeating … over and over in my head … am I doing the right thing?  For myself and for everybody else involved, am I doing the right thing?

He’s going away for a week, to Pittsburgh to visit a friend of ours who is getting a divorce.  He’s going away to give me space, give me a chance to figure out what I want without having him here all the time, driving me nuts with his constant presence.  I’m afraid of what that will be like.  I’m afraid that I’ll find that, without him here, it’s all too much for me to handle.  I’m afraid that I will sigh and begrudgingly say fine, we can stay together, because it’s too hard for me to do on my own.

Will distance make my heart grow fonder?  Or will I discover that having him away is, in fact, exactly what I want?