I keep on thinking I’m done with the emotional aspect of this. Everybody keeps saying that I seem like I’m in such high spirits, considering what I’m dealing with these days. And I have been! I’ve been feeling excited about the prospects before me, about the doors opening, about what the future could have in store. I’ve been feeling hopeful that the changes I feel in myself won’t go away, that I won’t simply sink back into being the same old me that I so desperately want to get rid of.
I think that’s the thing I’m having the hardest time expressing to him right now … that the changes occurring right now are starting within me, deep within me in a place which I’ve been wanting to change for so long. What happens between us is merely a by-product of those internal changes.
We have good days, you know? Days when we seem to be able to laugh and talk almost like we used to. Days when he seems to be trying particularly hard to make the changes I need made. Days when I can almost forget how miserable I am. Yesterday was one of those days, one of those fleetingly joyful days, and so when I woke up this morning I was deeply entrenched in the emotions of it all again … the feelings of loss and mourning and exhaustion.
But yesterday I also took off my wedding ring and hung it from a chain around my neck. But now it feels like The One Ring, weighing down my heart and mind and spirit in a way that it never did around my finger.
I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what any of it means. I simply want something to change.
I find myself repeating … over and over in my head … am I doing the right thing? For myself and for everybody else involved, am I doing the right thing?
He’s going away for a week, to Pittsburgh to visit a friend of ours who is getting a divorce. He’s going away to give me space, give me a chance to figure out what I want without having him here all the time, driving me nuts with his constant presence. I’m afraid of what that will be like. I’m afraid that I’ll find that, without him here, it’s all too much for me to handle. I’m afraid that I will sigh and begrudgingly say fine, we can stay together, because it’s too hard for me to do on my own.
Will distance make my heart grow fonder? Or will I discover that having him away is, in fact, exactly what I want?