I haven’t written in a good long while. My parents have been around for the last week, hanging out with me and Darwin.
Also, I just don’t really know what to write. I feel kind of stuck, kind of at a standstill. My dad said, “It’s seems like you’ve already made up your mind about what to do, but don’t know what the next step is.” He’s both right and wrong. I’m 90% sure that I’ve made my mind up. But that final 10% is the part that’s killing me right now.
Besides, J says he won’t actually sign any divorce papers until we’ve been to see a family therapist. He says that he doesn’t want to go to try and convince me that we should stay together, but because if we leave things the way they are now we’ll never be able to communicate appropriately for the rest of our lives. And considering that we’re actually going to be tied to each other forever (because of Darwin), that we need to figure out how to not be angry.
I keep trying to explain to him that I’m not angry anymore. I’m not. Really. I’m disappointed and sad and feeling entirely distant from the situation. But the only time I get angry anymore is when J gets angry with me. He’s angry with me. He’s pissed all the time, but he’s also not doing anything about it. He likes to tell me that I’ve ruined his life, that he’s been so miserable and angry for 8 years that I’ve put him in the place that he’s in right now, that everything that’s wrong in our relationship is my fault. But if that’s true, how come he hasn’t left yet?
So anyway, that’s what’s been going on here. Divorce is what I want. In order for me to get what I want, I need to give J what he wants. It’s not the biggest deal in the world, as long as I actually get what I want.