school

Well, folks, I’ve been holding back on this info because I’m freaked out about it, but here it is … in 10 hours time I’m a full-time college student. For those of you who don’t know me all that well, this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. This is, in fact, my third attempt. I’ve failed twice before in my efforts to do the whole college thing. And now, here I am, doing it again. I am, in fact, starting over from the very beginning. I think that failing at this again will just kill me, so I am determined not to.

I’m really trying to do this right this time. I’m trying to not have too many insane plans for the future, for what my doctorate is going to be in. Shit, right now I’m not even thinking about what I’m going to major in. Right now I just want to see if I can make it through this fucking semester. No, even that’s not right. Right now I’m just trying to make sure that I actually go to class tomorrow.

So please, keep your fingers crossed, offer me all your support, and if you have any advice, send it my way … I can use all the help I can get.

I haven’t written lately because there’s nothing to report.  No good news, no bad news, nothing.  We’re trying, which means that we’re hanging out and talking and fighting and having sex and trying to remember what it feels like to be in a relationship with each other.  I’m definitely having problems jumping back into the relationship, but I really am trying.  It’s just that when I decided it was over I began planning a life for myself, a life on my own, without J.  All my ideas and hopes for the future changed from including him to being only for myself and Darwin, and I really liked that.  I liked the idea of really building a relationship … not with him but with myself.  I haven’t been single for longer than a couple months since I was 14, so I’ve esentially spent my whole life working on relationships with other people, and not on the relationship I have with myself.

So yeah.  That’s what I’ve got going on.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zero.  Zilch.  Blah.

planes

Today I’m getting on a plane, flying to New York, driving to New Jersey, driving back to New York, and then flying back to Boston. All this to go to a wedding. For someone who’s as freaked out by planes as I am, this is a huge deal.

Damn, Steph better know how much I love her.

torn

Last week J and I went to see a therapist together.  Keep in mind that this isn’t our first time together in therapy.  This is, in fact, our fourth try.  But as I was much clearer on what I wanted out of the situation this time, I thought it would go better than it had before, even if what I wanted was to split up.

Well, this thearpist was incredibly cool.  He had some very good things to say that I hadn’t considered.  He said that the main point of the initial session was to figure out what our purpose was in being there.  After we had each stated our claims the therapist said that the truth was that unless we had a common goal that there was really no point in our being in therapy.  What I was looking for was essentially divorce mediation and what J was looking for was help in keeping the relationship together.  We were on totally separate tracks that weren’t going to intersect … therapy wouldn’t do us any good.

So I spent 48 hours thinking really hard about what I wanted and what it all would mean in the long run, basically just giving myself a chance to really process the entire situation.

So here’s the thing … I have to try.  In order to be able to sleep at night I have to know that I’ve done everything in my power to make the relationship work.  I have to know that I’ve done what he’s asked, given him the things he says he needs from me that he’s not getting.  I have to make sure that my end of things are squeaky clean.  That way if it does end in divorce I know that I’ve really given it all I can give, and I’ll be able to live with the decision to leave more easily.  And maybe, just maybe it’ll actually work out.  Maybe I’ll discover that if I really put the work into the relationship that I’ll get out of it what I need too.

And believe me, I know that this sounds more than a little crazy.  I know that I’m making myself vulnerable with the distinct possibility that it’ll end in more hurt and disappointment.  I know this.  But as stupid as it sounds I have to try.

So I’m giving it to the end of the summer.  No more, no less.  I’m going to put in full effort until summer is over and then we’ll see what happens.

But the problem I’m having now is that even though I promised I’d try, so much of me had already vacated this relationship that it’s going to be really hard.  I’ve been finding that I’m having a hard time including J in my thoughts again, since I had spent so much time recently leaving him out.  My plans for the future have been for me and Darwin recently, and now that J’s supposed to be part of my future again, I’m having a hell of a hard time making that switch.

I’m just still not sure I actually want to stay together.  I guess we’ll see.