Last week J and I went to see a therapist together.  Keep in mind that this isn’t our first time together in therapy.  This is, in fact, our fourth try.  But as I was much clearer on what I wanted out of the situation this time, I thought it would go better than it had before, even if what I wanted was to split up.

Well, this thearpist was incredibly cool.  He had some very good things to say that I hadn’t considered.  He said that the main point of the initial session was to figure out what our purpose was in being there.  After we had each stated our claims the therapist said that the truth was that unless we had a common goal that there was really no point in our being in therapy.  What I was looking for was essentially divorce mediation and what J was looking for was help in keeping the relationship together.  We were on totally separate tracks that weren’t going to intersect … therapy wouldn’t do us any good.

So I spent 48 hours thinking really hard about what I wanted and what it all would mean in the long run, basically just giving myself a chance to really process the entire situation.

So here’s the thing … I have to try.  In order to be able to sleep at night I have to know that I’ve done everything in my power to make the relationship work.  I have to know that I’ve done what he’s asked, given him the things he says he needs from me that he’s not getting.  I have to make sure that my end of things are squeaky clean.  That way if it does end in divorce I know that I’ve really given it all I can give, and I’ll be able to live with the decision to leave more easily.  And maybe, just maybe it’ll actually work out.  Maybe I’ll discover that if I really put the work into the relationship that I’ll get out of it what I need too.

And believe me, I know that this sounds more than a little crazy.  I know that I’m making myself vulnerable with the distinct possibility that it’ll end in more hurt and disappointment.  I know this.  But as stupid as it sounds I have to try.

So I’m giving it to the end of the summer.  No more, no less.  I’m going to put in full effort until summer is over and then we’ll see what happens.

But the problem I’m having now is that even though I promised I’d try, so much of me had already vacated this relationship that it’s going to be really hard.  I’ve been finding that I’m having a hard time including J in my thoughts again, since I had spent so much time recently leaving him out.  My plans for the future have been for me and Darwin recently, and now that J’s supposed to be part of my future again, I’m having a hell of a hard time making that switch.

I’m just still not sure I actually want to stay together.  I guess we’ll see.

3 thoughts on “torn

  1. I’d make sure to keep going to the therapist as well (as a couple) since I think that should really help (you might already be planning this, I just wanted to say its a good idea!) Not because it would fix everything and keep you guys together, but since part of your ‘trying’ seems to be making sure he’s getting what he needs, etc., its important to have all those wants/needs of both of you out on the table and realistic, which a therapist could help with. Plus it’ll keep things even and in check when it comes to communication and both of you putting effort in – having a periodic visit with a third party can really make sure communication stays open and effort remains even. I also think it would make it more feel like ‘you gave it your all’ even if things don’t work out. Either way it’ll make the path that makes sense be more clear, and hopefully help you both converge on it.

  2. The plan is definitely to keep on going to therapy. We need a lot of help communicating, and I have high hopes that a third party will be able to help us with that. And hopefully it’ll also help lead us in the correct direction … whatever that direction is.

  3. Margaret – you sound like you have a great grasp on your situation right now. You should be very very proud of yourself! Don’t hesitate to make lists of what you both need together in order to remain in the relationship… in other words: what would each of you need (ideally) in order to both feel LOVED and IN LOVE? What’s missing? What’s totally impossible?

    Keep up the good work mystery lady… stay well!

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