torn

Last week J and I went to see a therapist together.  Keep in mind that this isn’t our first time together in therapy.  This is, in fact, our fourth try.  But as I was much clearer on what I wanted out of the situation this time, I thought it would go better than it had before, even if what I wanted was to split up.

Well, this thearpist was incredibly cool.  He had some very good things to say that I hadn’t considered.  He said that the main point of the initial session was to figure out what our purpose was in being there.  After we had each stated our claims the therapist said that the truth was that unless we had a common goal that there was really no point in our being in therapy.  What I was looking for was essentially divorce mediation and what J was looking for was help in keeping the relationship together.  We were on totally separate tracks that weren’t going to intersect … therapy wouldn’t do us any good.

So I spent 48 hours thinking really hard about what I wanted and what it all would mean in the long run, basically just giving myself a chance to really process the entire situation.

So here’s the thing … I have to try.  In order to be able to sleep at night I have to know that I’ve done everything in my power to make the relationship work.  I have to know that I’ve done what he’s asked, given him the things he says he needs from me that he’s not getting.  I have to make sure that my end of things are squeaky clean.  That way if it does end in divorce I know that I’ve really given it all I can give, and I’ll be able to live with the decision to leave more easily.  And maybe, just maybe it’ll actually work out.  Maybe I’ll discover that if I really put the work into the relationship that I’ll get out of it what I need too.

And believe me, I know that this sounds more than a little crazy.  I know that I’m making myself vulnerable with the distinct possibility that it’ll end in more hurt and disappointment.  I know this.  But as stupid as it sounds I have to try.

So I’m giving it to the end of the summer.  No more, no less.  I’m going to put in full effort until summer is over and then we’ll see what happens.

But the problem I’m having now is that even though I promised I’d try, so much of me had already vacated this relationship that it’s going to be really hard.  I’ve been finding that I’m having a hard time including J in my thoughts again, since I had spent so much time recently leaving him out.  My plans for the future have been for me and Darwin recently, and now that J’s supposed to be part of my future again, I’m having a hell of a hard time making that switch.

I’m just still not sure I actually want to stay together.  I guess we’ll see.