I’ve been going through a period of feeling petrified that I’m not doing a good enough job. For god’s sake, people, I have a person’s life in my hands! I know he’s smart, but what if I’m not doing everything I can to make him be the best person he could be? He’s this perfect little bundle of potential right now and my job is to encourage his enthusiasm and bring him joy and try to help him be a well-rounded wonderful human being. But what if I’m not doing enough? What if I’m simply resting on the laurels of who he already is?
All I ever wanted to be, my entire life, was a mother. And I spent all my time thinking that once motherhood showed up, I’d be fulfilled forever. But, as it turns out, that wasn’t true. I love my son more than anything and I love my role as his mother, but that isn’t ALL I want for myself. I am still very much interested in being a well-rounded individual. I want a life for myself as well as my son.
I guess I’m afraid that after a lifetime of thinking that all I needed/wanted was motherhood, and finding out how untrue that was … what if I do a bad job? What if it isn’t just that I’m not as fulfilled as I want to be, but instead that I’m actively not good at it?
Or could it just be that right now I’m dealing with the most insanely two year-old person on the face of the planet and I’m just exhausted of all the temper tantrums and limit-pushing that’s been going on?
Sometimes this life I’ve set out for myself seems too overwhelming to deal with. Sigh.