news!

Yesterday I signed a lease. Yup, you heard me right. I found this amazing apartment that I love. It’s got a dishwasher, and laundry, and a linen closet, and a frickin’ fireplace! And it’s mine, my friends. It’s going to be empty as hell, but who cares? I’m going to be able to burn incense, and hang up tapestries, and arrange furniture the way I want to, and buy nothing but organic food, and play Ani DiFranco 24 hours a day. Why? Because I will no longer have to ask permission from anyone else to do this shit. My place. My life.

I’m terrified and exhilarated and overwhelmed.

It’s going to be awesome.

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”

Look what happens with
A love like that –
It lights the Whole Sky.

-Hafiz

disappointment

I didn’t get the apartment and now I’m feeling so sad that it’s hard to breathe.  Having that disappointment on top of all the other disappointment is proving to be more than I can handle.  I just really feel like if I’m moving out of my home that I wanted to be going to some place that I felt could be my new home.  This apartment felt like home.  I already had started decorating it in my own mind, and I could picture what my life was going to be like there.  And the best part of it was that I was going to be able to move in on the 15th, so my new life was going to be able to start so soon.

Sigh.  Now I’m stuck here for a while longer, feeling like I just had the rug pulled out from under me.

today

Today I am absolutely freaking out. All I can think about is what I’ll be losing, not what will be gained. I just keep going over the same things again and again …

J’s the only person who really knows how to handle my panic attacks, because he helped me figure out how to overcome them over the last 9 years. I’m pretty sure they’re going to come back while dealing with the stress of this situation.

I’ll miss the times when we laugh together.

Who will be my “in case of emergency” contact? It’s been him for so long that when I filled out the apartment application I put him on there without even thinking about it. What if something happens to me and he gets called? Will he come and help?

I’m petrified of being alone. I have never really lived by myself. And I haven’t been single for more than a couple months since I was 14. I know that this is part of why I’m doing this, but it doesn’t mean I’m any less terrified.

He won’t be there for me to talk to about what happened in my day, for me to run ideas by, to be my sounding board. It’s not that he’s particularly good at these thing — in fact he’s fairly crappy at them — but he’s provided me with an ear for the last 9 years. That’s just not easy to give up.

I’m just freaking out. I feel lost and confused and like I’m forgetting all the reasons why I think this is a good idea. And, of course, my two best friends are otherwise occupied so I don’t even have them to keep me sane and on-course right now. And besides, I’m so bad at asking for help that even if they were available, I probably wouldn’t ask them for anything.

That’s obviously something I’m going to need to work on …

Well, folks, it’s done. I’ve found an apartment that I love, I’ve turned in an application for it, and J and I have started to hash out exactly what this means for us.

I am, of course, wavering now. Now I’m thinking about how much fun we have together when we’re having fun, how passionately we have loved each other, and how sad it’s going to be to simply leave that all behind. But I am only wavering in my own head. I am not questioning this decision, I am merely letting myself feel the regret and sadness for all the things that have gone wrong.

Nine years is a long time to be with someone who you then don’t spend the rest of your life with. Nine years is a lifetime together.

I’m working really hard on not having this feel like the most final thing in the whole wide world. We’re not signing any divorce papers yet, we’re being quite cordial about the whole thing, because I don’t think that either one of us is actually willing to close the door on this completely.

Honestly, who knows what the future holds? Well, hopefully for me it holds an awesome new apartment. If I get it, I’ll let you all know.