Today I am absolutely freaking out. All I can think about is what I’ll be losing, not what will be gained. I just keep going over the same things again and again …

J’s the only person who really knows how to handle my panic attacks, because he helped me figure out how to overcome them over the last 9 years. I’m pretty sure they’re going to come back while dealing with the stress of this situation.

I’ll miss the times when we laugh together.

Who will be my “in case of emergency” contact? It’s been him for so long that when I filled out the apartment application I put him on there without even thinking about it. What if something happens to me and he gets called? Will he come and help?

I’m petrified of being alone. I have never really lived by myself. And I haven’t been single for more than a couple months since I was 14. I know that this is part of why I’m doing this, but it doesn’t mean I’m any less terrified.

He won’t be there for me to talk to about what happened in my day, for me to run ideas by, to be my sounding board. It’s not that he’s particularly good at these thing — in fact he’s fairly crappy at them — but he’s provided me with an ear for the last 9 years. That’s just not easy to give up.

I’m just freaking out. I feel lost and confused and like I’m forgetting all the reasons why I think this is a good idea. And, of course, my two best friends are otherwise occupied so I don’t even have them to keep me sane and on-course right now. And besides, I’m so bad at asking for help that even if they were available, I probably wouldn’t ask them for anything.

That’s obviously something I’m going to need to work on …


5 thoughts on “today

  1. Wow, that is big…but having read your blog…well, it feels like a good move. and as you said….it doesn’t necissarily mean the end….just a change…..just like in labor….transition is the hardest….the part when you think you just can’t go on….but you do and then you are in the active part….the pushing and then something new and amazing is born….who knows what the future holds….

  2. So hard! Of COURSE you will miss your go-to guy, even if he was not actually great for the going to. This sounds so very difficult, but it also sounds so very right. Sending you lots of love. xx

  3. Hey honey,

    I’m sorry I didn’t get to talk to you more when I was down there. Send me your phone number, or ping me on IM if you want/need to talk. I know the history, at least. And I know what it’s like to leave a difficult relationship. And I know what it’s like to miss someone badly.


    You are strong, and smart, and beautiful, and an amazing mother, and creative, and a great friend. You can do this.

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