For a while I couldn’t help but be impressed. I left and he started taking responsibility, doing the things he said he would do, turning into a real parent … all the things that drove me so far away from him. And so I started questioning whether or not I had made the right decision. I started seeing a different person than the one I had become so accustomed to and fed up with.
But now I see. Now it has become clear that this was simply a temporary change. This new person, this improved and impressive man that I thought I was seeing, was just a facade. He still expects me to take the same role even if we are no longer a couple. I am still going to be the person who does the majority of the work, the person who handles everything and makes the decisions, the only one who ever deals with backlash or repercussions of any kind.
Now I see. Now I understand. And now I know what I did was right.
It’s the middle of the night and I’m not sleeping. I drank a cup of what was supposed to be decaf espresso at 5pm tonight. Now it’s 11:30pm and I just got up after 45 minutes of rolling around in bed attmepting to fall asleep. It became quite obvious that it wasn’t going to happen, so I just got up. And now I’m going to go for the classic can’t sleep combo of drinking water and watching bad TV.
Did I already tell you guys that I went on antidepressants? I decided a couple weeks ago that it would be a good idea for me to preemptively strike and go on them before I actually moved out. That way I’d be prepared when I started to sink into the depths of the inevitable depression. It’s just a little bit of cushioning.
But now here I am and I’m finding that I am not mourning what I’ve lost. The question is am I not mourning because I’ve been mourning for years now? Or is it because of this cushioning that I gave myself? And either way, should I worry that I will sometime soon find myself in a shitstorm of angst? Or should I simply let this all take its own course and not worry about the results?
It’s getting harder. I’m feeling sadder. Here’s the thing … Darwin is splitting his time between us and not seeing him for 3 days in a row is incredibly hard for me. Also when he is here I think he’s sad because he’s so much more accustomed to being at J’s house. To him that feels like home. I’ve been trying to make this place feel like home too, but it’ll obviously take some time. Sigh.
And J has made it quite clear that for him this is the end of any relationship between us at all. He’s says he’s done … can’t even imagine trying to retain any kind of friendship. I guess he’s willing to write the entire last decade off. For me it’s not that easy.
I know it’ll get easier and harder and better and worse. I know it’s a process, and I’m trying not to fight any part of it.
So it’s done. I am officially single and living on my own for what is basically the first time in my life. And when I say alone, I of course mean with my little one.
My apartment is wonderful. It’s big (living room, dining room, and two full bedrooms), conveniently located to everywhere I need to go, and beautiful. I’ve been working hard on setting everything up, settling in, and making it feel like home. It is well on its way. Darwin has his own bedroom with a bed and everything and he’s so excited that it’s just amazing. He loves the fact that he has his very own bed to jump on. It’s awesome.
You’d think that I’d be an emotional disaster right now, but I’m not. I am sitting in wait for the sadness to come, but it sure as hell isn’t here yet. For right now I am nothing but pleased. I am not lonely, I am relieved. I am not sad, I am content. It’s kind of an amazing place to be, after so long being in turmoil.
I do have to admit that I am also a little embarrassed. For some reason I feel like all my friends are going to judge me harshly, even though they all voiced their support for this move beforehand. For some reason I feel like they’re going to treat me as if in theory it was a good idea but in practice it’ll simply strain everything with everyone I know. For this reason I asked for almost no help moving, and haven’t really talked to anybody in the last week. Perhaps I should give everybody the benefit of the doubt and actually call them.
Come and visit. Come see my new house. I’ll cook you dinner and keep you entertained.