Sometimes my heart aches with sadness so much that I can’t believe I’m still able to breathe. I spent more than a third of my life believing that this man was the best one for me, in spite of everything that anyone said, and all the evidence to the contrary.
I want my family. I want the family I had envisioned, sunshine and roses and hard work and fun times and bad times and shared goals and working together and growing in unison. I want to find someone who makes me want to work on improving our relationship. And someone who will do the same in return.
Sigh. I’m just sad, and lonely. Most days it’s not so bad. Right now it’s hurting more than usual.
I feel like everybody has a million questions for me these days … how I’m doing and what my plan is and what the future holds and what I’m feeling and how I’m holding up.
I’m fine. I’m not great, I’m not terrible, I’m fine. I have been dealing with the symptoms of a breaking heart for years now, so now that I’m here it’s not like there’s anything particularly new happening. The only different thing is that now some action has been taken, some real change has been made.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m lonely. But it’s simply that I’m missing another person, not that I’m missing J. And, of course, even that isn’t true. It’s just that I was so unhappy for so long with J that it felt like I’d be missing him for years already. To now have him gone means that I am still missing him, not that I’ve just begun to miss him. In a lot of ways that makes it infinitely easier.
And it’s strange to all of a sudden discover that some of the things I’d been blaming J for are actually things I’ve been doing to myself. Here I am in my new life and I’m not doing all the things that I necessarily wanted to do. I have a million different plans for how to overcome my laziness and start living the life I’ve been wanting for the last couple years. Now to just enact those plans …