update

I feel like everybody has a million questions for me these days … how I’m doing and what my plan is and what the future holds and what I’m feeling and how I’m holding up.

I’m fine. I’m not great, I’m not terrible, I’m fine. I have been dealing with the symptoms of a breaking heart for years now, so now that I’m here it’s not like there’s anything particularly new happening. The only different thing is that now some action has been taken, some real change has been made.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m lonely. But it’s simply that I’m missing another person, not that I’m missing J. And, of course, even that isn’t true. It’s just that I was so unhappy for so long with J that it felt like I’d be missing him for years already. To now have him gone means that I am still missing him, not that I’ve just begun to miss him. In a lot of ways that makes it infinitely easier.

And it’s strange to all of a sudden discover that some of the things I’d been blaming J for are actually things I’ve been doing to myself. Here I am in my new life and I’m not doing all the things that I necessarily wanted to do. I have a million different plans for how to overcome my laziness and start living the life I’ve been wanting for the last couple years. Now to just enact those plans …

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