I haven’t written in a while, and just got totally called out on it by one of my loyal readers. So here I am.
Life keeps going on, and it’s moving at a breakneck pace these days. I am happier then I have maybe been ever in my entire life these days.
I am still not 100% sure of my decision to leave J, but I am most certainly 75% sure. I figure that for an intense life decision like this 75% is awfully good. My conflicting emotions on the subject though have recently led to some pretty bad decision-making on my part. I started sleeping with J again, which is obviously a mistake.
See, our sex life has always been a big issue in our relationship, what with the fact that he thought I wasn’t interested in having sex with him, and (to a certain extent) I simply wasn’t, because I found him untrustworthy. I am one of those girls who really needs to trust someone to have a full sexual relationship with them. I show the classic signs of someone who was sexually abused in the past and has no memory of it, and without a completely trustworthy partner, I simply shut down. With J I always felt belittled and rejected, in a way that didn’t make me trust him. Ugh. it’s a whole big ball o’ wax … a much longer story than I actually have time for here.
So sleeping with him has been good in that it’s helped me get over some of my issues (feeling freer to express or not express my sexual desire), and it’s been bad in that I really need some separation from him in order to figure all these issues out. But my best friend does make the point that it’s not fair for me to be toying with him the way I am now, that if I actually don’t want to be married to him that I’m fucking with his emotions.
In the meantime though, it’s awfully nice to be getting along with him at the moment.
School is going along swimmingly. I’m not doing as well as I could, because I am having a very hard time committing myself completely to an educational institution that isn’t really challenging me. I could very easily be getting A’s in all of my classes, but it’s as if I feel like I don’t need to exert any effort because the payoff is so minimal.
I have though, chosen a major, which is a big deal for me. I am going to be getting a degree in history, my friends. I come by it naturally, since my biological father has a degree in history. For right now I’m thinking I’ll focus on American history, since I find it to be so incredible, but that’s not set in stone. And my long-term plan, as it stands now, is to take my degree in history and go on to law school. I don’t want to be a lawyer, but I am interested in going into politics, so a law degree seems like a pretty useful thing.
Darwin is the joy of my life these days. He was pretty angry with me for a while, after I moved out of J’s house. That combined with the terrible twos made him kind of a jerk to me for a while there. But he’s definitely coming out of that phase and making his way into the sponge phase, where all he wants is to learn new things. The other day we we discussed the difference between a doctor’s appointment and a doctor’s office, what a wreath is, the term African-American, the concept of irony, what a vaccine does, and like four other things that I can’t remember right now … all in one day! It’s awesome!
And that’s about all that’s going on. I’m crafting like a maniac right now, with Christmas coming up and all. I’m trying to make as many presents as I can this year, so that I feel like I’ve actually accomplished something instead of simply buying everything. I’m also working on a baby quilt for some of my best friends, who are due in March. Let’s just say that they’ll be lucky if they get it before the kid turns 1. Quilting is hard as hell, but it’s going to look so cool when it’s done.
The only thing plaguing me these days is my damn weight. I am simply too lazy to be doing anything about it, which is such a fucking cop-out. Every single time I look in the mirror I’m unhappy, but it’s almost as if I’m too unhappy to put any effort into fixing it. It’s like it’s easier to simply give up and admit defeat. Any tips, people? Any way I can actually start changing this thing that I hate so much?
And I love you all, near or far, people who I interact with daily or those who I’ve never met. It’s nice knowing that you’re out there, listening to my trials and tribulations, and giving me support when I need it.
Happy holidays. XOXOXO