I can’t sleep.

My life is going through some serious upheaval right now. Some of it is simply good, some of it is impossibly difficult in the long run and will be good in the long.

I started smoking again in November, something which I’m so incredibly embarrassed about that it’s hard to describe. Ugh. After four years of being a nonsmoker I let myself go back to it. How can I not be embarrassed? But now I’m quitting smoking again. Not fun for right now, but it’ll be fine in a month or two. Upheaval #1.

Also I joined WeightWatchers. I am sick and tired of being overweight (60 pounds overweight, to be exact) so I’m taking some damn action. I have made myself a deal … that I am not allowed to be ashamed of the steps I’m taking as long as they are working. So I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I’m counting all my food in points, eating fake meat, and doing all this other silly stuff to try and lower my weight. I’m going to do it and I don’t care how it gets done.

On the same point as the last one, I hired myself a person trainer. He’s a giant dude who REALLY knows his business. He’s awesome and I really like him. So far I’ve only been going to the gym for our appointments, not for the rest of the week. The part of this that I need to do on my own is the cardio part, because with the trainer I only work on strength training. But I’m having a helluva hard time dragging myself to the gym to do the cardio part of this whole working out thing. I’m really interested in trying to turn myself into a runner at some point, but that point is a ridiculously long way off. In order to become a runner I have to start off small, and that’s something I’m having a hard time with. But soon, soon I promise I’ll get going on it.

And I’m exhausted right now, but can’t sleep. I’m hungry and I want a damn cigarette, but I’m out of points and no longer smoking. Oh well. I’ll survive and emerge better than before.

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2 thoughts on “

  1. Hey Grumpy Butt! No shame in eating fake meat, and no shame in getting to a healthier you. Sounds tough all at once. Hang in there — I’m sending you good vibes and wishing we lived closer so we could be exercise buddies. The kind where we start with long walks and then add a little running in and then walk a lot. Lots of walking. For easing into it. Also, as the weather gets nicer, there are bikes to ride and swimming to do and other good things. xx

  2. Ha! I KNOW the feeling! I have so counted points! Ah, the points. I’m at something akin to rock bottom myself right now, but it’s oddly ok, I guess. I’m thinking of it as the loneliness of the chrystalis. (sp?) A fucking butterfly better come out of all this, right? 🙂

    Anways, I just lost 40 biggies myself, with 20 to go. If you ever want to chat about it, let me know. Of course, I suspect that with you letting go of so much right now, that you will naturally find yourself doing what’s best for your body.

    I hope you find some sleep, my friend! 🙂

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