So now here’s the thing about everything that I wrote yesterday …
Even if I never hear from my lovely Scot again, I am intensely grateful to have had this experience. It’s as if I’ve been walking around like an emotional zombie for years now, without the ability or even desire to open myself up to the world’s possibilities. And for the last year it’s been even worse. I have been petrified to allow myself to feel anything. I have been unwilling to let anyone in, to allow even the vaguest possibility of loving or being loved or maintaining any sort of intense personal connection. I have loved and been loved by my friends, but anything more than that wasn’t even a glimmer in my eye.
And then I started doing all this sleeping around, allowing myself to feel something that I hadn’t for a long time … sexual desire and want. And then, as I let those feelings exist in me, I began to realize that I actually did want something more, not simply some random fuck with some random guy who I never wanted to see again. I genuinely wanted an emotional connection. And as soon as I opened myself up to that, basically the very instant that I allowed myself to admit that desire, my beautiful Scot showed up in my life.
I found faith when I left J, which is something I haven’t talked about too much. I found faith in the fact that I had made the right decision. And soon that faith spread its tendrils into every aspect of my life.
So now, as I ride this emotional rollercoaster of feeling more alive than I’ve felt in years, and feeling sad at the same time that I may never see this beautiful man again, I am finding that faith again. I have faith that whatever happens, this man came into my life for a reason. Even if it’s only to have made me feel something again, for the first time in far too long, even if it isn’t that he is the great love of my life, even if all we ever share is one ridiculously spectacular evening together … everything in the universe lined up to bring us together. There was obviously a point to this experience, and whatever that point is, I am exceedingly grateful for it.
The point is this: I hope like hell I hear from him because I think there could be a fantastically wonderful romance in store for us, but if I don’t my heart won’t be broken. It will have, instead, been opened again.
Namaste, my lovelies.