So, two weeks ago I started going to my local UU church. It’s wonderful. It’s a spiritual community, filled with people from all walks of life who gather together to improve themselves and their community. I’ve totally fallen in love with it. This passage comes from the hymnal …
Life comes with singing and laughter, with tears and confiding, with a rising wave too great to be held in the mind and heart and body, to those who have fallen in love with life.
So here’s the email I wrote to my darling long-lost Scottish man yesterday. Luckily my best friend is out of town, so I didn’t have to ask her permission to send it and have her say no. Instead I took things into my own hands.
I don’t know you. At all. What I do know is that you made my heart sing. And it felt so fucking good that it was kind of like crack. All I know is that I got a little taste of something I had almost entirely forgotten existed, and I just wanted more. So when I didn’t hear from you I bugged the fuck out and tried to force myself on you. You, very understandably, felt smothered and overwhelmed and took off in the opposite direction. But all I could think about was getting more of you, so I didn’t let up, and took it WAY too far.
So here’s the thing … I think you should agree to meet me for coffee and a walk around Jamaica Pond with our cameras. I mean, there was *something* there, something that had the potential to be really good. And I promise I won’t be all needy and freaky, because this right here is my moment of clarity. I don’t need you. Shit, I don’t even know you! But I do want the chance to get to know you, and that’s what I’m asking for. We could talk and laugh and I could give you that CD that I made a copy of for you and we can be generally much more mellow … not talking about our future and how many kids we should have and what our joint funeral will be like. Just kinda talk about the stuff you’re supposed to talk about on a first date. And then if I don’t hear from you for a week, I won’t bug out, because I don’t need you … even if I do want you like I’m a damn horny teenager.
Besides, don’t you think that even if dating wasn’t going to work for us, we could be great friends? I am literally THE BEST movie buddy of all time, since I’ll see absolutely anything. 🙂
So what do you think? From what I figure there are three options here: you think it’s an ok idea and suggest a time, you think it’s an ok idea but want to wait for the school year to be over, or you still think I’m totally fucking bonkers and never want to see me or hear from me again. I really hope it’s not the last option, but if it is, just let me know and I’ll leave you alone. Having come to this realization, I no longer feel the overwhelming need to get something from you. I can want and hope that you won’t think this is the worst plan ever, but if you do then there’s nothing else I can do about it. But whatever your answer is, just tell me, ok?
And with that, my friends, I am done. Talking to Lauren last night made me realize that I had my mind and heart so set on this guy … a guy who I don’t know at all, a guy who I felt something for, but just because he’s the first guy I’ve felt something for in a million years doesn’t mean he’s THE ONE. Maybe he really was in my life for the express purpose of opening my heart up again. And, if so, what’s the problem with that? Just that I want to see him again? If that doesn’t happen, will I die? No. Will I feel like I want to die? No, not even that. I will just be a bit broken-hearted.
I am ok. I am more than ok … I am thriving. Thanks for all your love and support.
I’ve been sad recently. Like, a lot. But there have been a few wonderful moments and beauty and happiness in there.
The other day I was sitting on the floor looking particularly dejected and Darwin came over to ask me what was going on. Here’s how the conversation went:
D: Mama, why are you sad?
M: My heart is just a little bit broken.
D: I can fix it, Mama! I have the piece!
Of course the poor boy was utterly confused when it had the opposite reaction from what he expected and I burst into tears.
Damn do I love that little boy.
I don’t want to lose you. I can’t imagine ever feeling this
strongly about anything or anybody ever again.
This was my unexpected, my
soul’s connection to you.
You stole my loneliness.
No one knows that I was wishing for you, a thief, to enter my
house of autonomy, that I had locked my doors but my
Windows were open, hoping, but not believing, you
I want to tell you all how I’m doing but the words I’m going to use aren’t even vaguely descriptive enough, so please bear with me.
You know that scene in Garden State when Zach Braff and Natalie Portman are sitting in front of the fireplace, there’s a moment of silence, and Natalie Portman says to him, “You’re in it right now, aren’t you?” …
Well that’s me, folks. I am fucking IN IT right now.
This guy, this beautiful Glaswegian man, showed up and he blew me wide open. He opened me up to my emotions in a way that I couldn’t have seen coming and really wasn’t prepared for. And now here I am deeply inside in every way. I’m full of heartbreak and pain and desperation. I am finding myself processing everything all at once, all the heartbreak from my Scotsman, and from leaving J, and from the years and years of disappointment and sadness and heartbreak before I actually got around to leaving. I am dealing with all of this at once, because there really is no other way to do it. My heart and mind are not giving me an option or a break …
I am in it.