in it

I want to tell you all how I’m doing but the words I’m going to use aren’t even vaguely descriptive enough, so please bear with me.

You know that scene in Garden State when Zach Braff and Natalie Portman are sitting in front of the fireplace, there’s a moment of silence, and Natalie Portman says to him, “You’re in it right now, aren’t you?” …

Well that’s me, folks. I am fucking IN IT right now.

This guy, this beautiful Glaswegian man, showed up and he blew me wide open. He opened me up to my emotions in a way that I couldn’t have seen coming and really wasn’t prepared for. And now here I am deeply inside in every way. I’m full of heartbreak and pain and desperation. I am finding myself processing everything all at once, all the heartbreak from my Scotsman, and from leaving J, and from the years and years of disappointment and sadness and heartbreak before I actually got around to leaving. I am dealing with all of this at once, because there really is no other way to do it. My heart and mind are not giving me an option or a break …

I am in it.

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