Every single day I realize more how much my relationship with J effected me.
I recently dealt with a situation involving addiction and a friend. I discovered that I wasn’t really able to be there as much as I wanted to, to be as present in that particular situation, because I kept getting caught up in my own battles with J and his addictions. The thought that just continuously circled my mind was “I can’t do this. I already served my time.” I found myself caught in the same web of desperation, wanting to help, doing more than I should have by all rights, and being consistently disappointed by the results. And then I was disappointed in myself for how I handled the whole thing … falling into the same patterns, the same thoughts, the same old person.
And that’s the thing of it all … I am constantly disappointed by everyone, but nobody more than myself. When will I change? When will I take these lessons and actually learn them? When will I figure it out? When will my behaviors change? When will I be better?
… it’s a new day, it’s a new life, and I’m feelin’ good.
So there’s a new boy. God, am I ever going to get to the point where I don’t call them boys? He’s 35 years old. I think that officially no longer counts as a boy.
And he’s awesome. He’s a nurse, thinking about going back to school at some point to be a naturopath. He’s ridiculously smart (my number one turn-on), more obsessive about music than I am (shared musical taste is *really* important to me), has brilliant blue eyes, a chocolate lab puppy, and our sexual chemistry is insane. I’ve seen him a couple times now (4 to be exact) and I actually really like him.
Next weekend we’re going away together. I’ve got a wedding in Vermont to go to and asked him to be my date. So we’re going to spend the weekend in a hotel, do some drinking and some dancing and some hanging out. It’ll be interesting, since we’ll be together for 48 straight hours, but I think it’ll be awesome. Talk about a chance to really get to know each other, right?
And I’m trying not to let myself get too excited. I’ve never been good at taking it slow relationship wise, but I’m going to try. It’s about time I figured out how to deal with this stuff as an adult. Now seems like the perfect opportunity.
So that’s my news. Much love, darlings.