now i am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again

 

(meditations on an emergency, frank o’hara)

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this is it

I have spent my entire life going through periods of extreme depression.  And, in truth, it’s gotten worse the older I’ve become.  Now that I’m facing my thirty-second birthday on Friday I find myself wanting a real change.

Here’s the thing … I know what I have to do in order to avoid the cycle of depression.  I know all the details, all the minutia that would completely change my emotional state.  And up until this point I haven’t been doing it, I haven’t been taking care of myself,  I haven’t been watching out for my own emotional state.

(Surprisingly this actually has very little to do with J.  It has everything to do with me.)

So here I am, making some goals.  I’m not going to put them down here, because I feel like that sets me up for feelings of failure.  What I am going to do is make MYSELF a promise to start taking better care of me.  I am going to stop taking the short-term easier way out and I am going to take the long-term into account.  I’m done with this struggle and I’m ready to do the damn thing.

So happy birthday, Margaret.  And welcome to your new life.

change

Do you believe that people can change?  Do you believe that it’s possible for someone to put in enough work to actually change?  And, even more than that, do you believe that it’s possible for two people to change the patterns in their relationship that they have set in place from the very beginning?

I like to think that it’s possible.  I like to think that anything is possible if people are willing.  I like to think that with enough determination people can change anything.  I like to think that nothing locks us into our patterns except for ourselves, and that if we want to change we can do it.  And that’s what I’ve been working on for the last couple months.

J and I have been attempting to get back together.  We’ve been taking it very slow, not committing to anything except for the simple fact that we are working on it.  We have been trying to figure out how to better communicate with each other … or have we?

I’m afraid that what it actually comes down to is that *I’ve* been trying to figure out how to better communicate better with J.  When we have a conflict or an argument I have been trying to approach it from a different place, a place of working towards something, instead of simply trying to battle.  I’ve been working on being very careful with what I say, with how I react, being gentle with him.

And in return?  In return I’ve been getting the same.  In return nothing seems to have changed in the way that J interacts with me.  In return because I am being so gentle with him I am ending up taking massive quantities of shit from him.  And you know what?  This is why I left in the first place.  This is what led to years and years of my frustration and exhaustion and horrible self-esteem.  This is why I stopped wanting to try at all.

So what do I do?  Do I seek out a therapist who will hopefully help us communicate better?  Do I decide that, based on almost 11 years of experience, he is incapable of changing how he interacts with me … so I should cut and run?

All I know is that I am tired of finding myself in this position time and time again.