ripples

Every single day I realize more how much my relationship with J effected me.

I recently dealt with a situation involving addiction and a friend. I discovered that I wasn’t really able to be there as much as I wanted to, to be as present in that particular situation, because I kept getting caught up in my own battles with J and his addictions. The thought that just continuously circled my mind was “I can’t do this. I already served my time.” I found myself caught in the same web of desperation, wanting to help, doing more than I should have by all rights, and being consistently disappointed by the results. And then I was disappointed in myself for how I handled the whole thing … falling into the same patterns, the same thoughts, the same old person.

And that’s the thing of it all … I am constantly disappointed by everyone, but nobody more than myself. When will I change? When will I take these lessons and actually learn them? When will I figure it out? When will my behaviors change? When will I be better?

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it’s a new dawn …

… it’s a new day, it’s a new life, and I’m feelin’ good.

So there’s a new boy. God, am I ever going to get to the point where I don’t call them boys? He’s 35 years old. I think that officially no longer counts as a boy.

And he’s awesome. He’s a nurse, thinking about going back to school at some point to be a naturopath. He’s ridiculously smart (my number one turn-on), more obsessive about music than I am (shared musical taste is *really* important to me), has brilliant blue eyes, a chocolate lab puppy, and our sexual chemistry is insane. I’ve seen him a couple times now (4 to be exact) and I actually really like him.

Next weekend we’re going away together. I’ve got a wedding in Vermont to go to and asked him to be my date. So we’re going to spend the weekend in a hotel, do some drinking and some dancing and some hanging out. It’ll be interesting, since we’ll be together for 48 straight hours, but I think it’ll be awesome. Talk about a chance to really get to know each other, right?

And I’m trying not to let myself get too excited. I’ve never been good at taking it slow relationship wise, but I’m going to try. It’s about time I figured out how to deal with this stuff as an adult. Now seems like the perfect opportunity.

So that’s my news. Much love, darlings.

words, words everywhere …

So here’s the email I wrote to my darling long-lost Scottish man yesterday.  Luckily my best friend is out of town, so I didn’t have to ask her permission to send it and have her say no.  Instead I took things into my own hands.

I don’t know you.  At all.  What I do know is that you made my heart sing.  And it felt so fucking good that it was kind of like crack.  All I know is that I got a little taste of something I had almost entirely forgotten existed, and I just wanted more.  So when I didn’t hear from you I bugged the fuck out and tried to force myself on you.  You, very understandably, felt smothered and overwhelmed and took off in the opposite direction.  But all I could think about was getting more of you, so I didn’t let up, and took it WAY too far.
 
So here’s the thing … I think you should agree to meet me for coffee and a walk around Jamaica Pond with our cameras.  I mean, there was *something* there, something that had the potential to be really good.  And I promise I won’t be all needy and freaky, because this right here is my moment of clarity.  I don’t need you.  Shit, I don’t even know you!  But I do want the chance to get to know you, and that’s what I’m asking for.  We could talk and laugh and I could give you that CD that I made a copy of for you and we can be generally much more mellow … not talking about our future and how many kids we should have and what our joint funeral will be like.  Just kinda talk about the stuff you’re supposed to talk about on a first date.  And then if I don’t hear from you for a week, I won’t bug out, because I don’t need you … even if I do want you like I’m a damn horny teenager.
 
Besides, don’t you think that even if dating wasn’t going to work for us, we could be great friends?  I am literally THE BEST movie buddy of all time, since I’ll see absolutely anything.  🙂
 
So what do you think?  From what I figure there are three options here:  you think it’s an ok idea and suggest a time, you think it’s an ok idea but want to wait for the school year to be over, or you still think I’m totally fucking bonkers and never want to see me or hear from me again.  I really hope it’s not the last option, but if it is, just let me know and I’ll leave you alone.  Having come to this realization, I no longer feel the overwhelming need to get something from you.  I can want and hope that you won’t think this is the worst plan ever, but if you do then there’s nothing else I can do about it.  But whatever your answer is, just tell me, ok?

And with that, my friends, I am done.  Talking to Lauren last night made me realize that I had my mind and heart so set on this guy … a guy who I don’t know at all, a guy who I felt something for, but just because he’s the first guy I’ve felt something for in a million years doesn’t mean he’s THE ONE.  Maybe he really was in my life for the express purpose of opening my heart up again.  And, if so, what’s the problem with that?  Just that I want to see him again?  If that doesn’t happen, will I die?  No.  Will I feel like I want to die?  No, not even that.  I will just be a bit broken-hearted.

I am ok.  I am more than ok … I am thriving.  Thanks for all your love and support.

thank you, douglas coupland

I don’t want to lose you. I can’t imagine ever feeling this
strongly about anything or anybody ever again.

          This was my unexpected, my
          soul’s connection to you.

You stole my loneliness.
No one knows that I was wishing for you, a thief, to enter my
house of autonomy, that I had locked my doors but my
Windows were open, hoping, but not believing, you
would enter.

in it

I want to tell you all how I’m doing but the words I’m going to use aren’t even vaguely descriptive enough, so please bear with me.

You know that scene in Garden State when Zach Braff and Natalie Portman are sitting in front of the fireplace, there’s a moment of silence, and Natalie Portman says to him, “You’re in it right now, aren’t you?” …

Well that’s me, folks. I am fucking IN IT right now.

This guy, this beautiful Glaswegian man, showed up and he blew me wide open. He opened me up to my emotions in a way that I couldn’t have seen coming and really wasn’t prepared for. And now here I am deeply inside in every way. I’m full of heartbreak and pain and desperation. I am finding myself processing everything all at once, all the heartbreak from my Scotsman, and from leaving J, and from the years and years of disappointment and sadness and heartbreak before I actually got around to leaving. I am dealing with all of this at once, because there really is no other way to do it. My heart and mind are not giving me an option or a break …

I am in it.

Part 2 of the story …

So now here’s the thing about everything that I wrote yesterday …

Even if I never hear from my lovely Scot again, I am intensely grateful to have had this experience. It’s as if I’ve been walking around like an emotional zombie for years now, without the ability or even desire to open myself up to the world’s possibilities. And for the last year it’s been even worse. I have been petrified to allow myself to feel anything. I have been unwilling to let anyone in, to allow even the vaguest possibility of loving or being loved or maintaining any sort of intense personal connection. I have loved and been loved by my friends, but anything more than that wasn’t even a glimmer in my eye.

And then I started doing all this sleeping around, allowing myself to feel something that I hadn’t for a long time … sexual desire and want. And then, as I let those feelings exist in me, I began to realize that I actually did want something more, not simply some random fuck with some random guy who I never wanted to see again. I genuinely wanted an emotional connection. And as soon as I opened myself up to that, basically the very instant that I allowed myself to admit that desire, my beautiful Scot showed up in my life.

I found faith when I left J, which is something I haven’t talked about too much. I found faith in the fact that I had made the right decision. And soon that faith spread its tendrils into every aspect of my life.

So now, as I ride this emotional rollercoaster of feeling more alive than I’ve felt in years, and feeling sad at the same time that I may never see this beautiful man again, I am finding that faith again. I have faith that whatever happens, this man came into my life for a reason. Even if it’s only to have made me feel something again, for the first time in far too long, even if it isn’t that he is the great love of my life, even if all we ever share is one ridiculously spectacular evening together … everything in the universe lined up to bring us together. There was obviously a point to this experience, and whatever that point is, I am exceedingly grateful for it.

The point is this: I hope like hell I hear from him because I think there could be a fantastically wonderful romance in store for us, but if I don’t my heart won’t be broken. It will have, instead, been opened again.

Namaste, my lovelies.

Part 1 of the story …

I’m sitting down to write, but what I might end up doing is a lot of copying and pasting from emails that I wrote today.

Back story first.

About a month ago I joined a dating website. You know that, right? Well, I’ve been doing a lot of dating … although to be honest it’s more been sleeping around than anything else. I went out on one date with a guy who I thought could actually be boyfriend material, but he told me afterwards that he has a policy to not date anyone who’s been divorced for less than a year. Entirely reasonable, and I’m not even mad at him. Everyone else was either someone I wasn’t even vaguely interested in or someone who I was only interested in sexually. There was nothing particularly promising.

So on Sunday Darwin and I had a babysitting job for his best friend, LuLu, whose mother was in labor. We arrived at 5:30am and spent all day there. Darwin and LuLu kept each other entertained all day long, without my even needing to spend too much time paying attention to them. They watched movies and played in a water table and build a house out of straw and chased each other around screaming and acting like crazy little people (which is exactly what they are). But because I had so much free time, I spent a lot of the day hanging out on the dating site. At some point in the afternoon I came across a profile that I was interested in and immediately sent the guy a message.

To make a long story short, we emailed back and forth for a while and then I gave him my phone number. He called, we talked for about 45 minutes, and then spent around 5 hours texting back and forth. It was amazing. We liked the same things, he wants to have kids, and the sexual chemistry was definitely there over the phone. Even when we started listing off our faults neither one of us was phased in the slightest. It was incredible. We arranged to meet up the next evening for our first date.

Well, it was quite possibly the most amazing date of all time. It’s not just that the chemistry was there, but that if my two very best friends in the world got together and designed a man for me, this would be him. He’s Scottish (like from Scotland … sexiest accent ever … I’ve always thought so), is a movie freak, a photographer, a fucking high school history teacher who went to the school I’m going to right now, who is sexy as hell and really, really seemed to like me. We had spectacular sex, which was followed by several hours of discussions and kissing and feeling like the two of us were meant for each other. It was, in a very simplistic word, magic.

But that was two days ago, Monday evening, and I haven’t heard from him since he left my house on Tuesday morning. I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not, because I have no idea what the rules of dating even are. But I have texted him and called at this point, and still no word.

Now, keep in mind one very important thing … this is prom week at his school, and he’s ultra involved in everything that happens at the school, so he’s ridiculously busy. But still, couldn’t he have found a minute to call or text?

So, am I being blow off? Is he as freaked out by the intensity of our evening together as I am, and is just dealing with it in a different way? Is he actually just too busy?

I suppose only time will tell …

motion

I’ve started thinking about looking for apartments. For me. Without J.

I surfed craigslist some last night, found some ones that look promising, called them to see if I could go look at them. I had forgotten how hard it is to get an apartment in Cambridge.

This isn’t some big declaration like I’m moving out! No. It’s more than I simply want to state that I’m thinking about it. I’m tossing it around. I’m crunching some numbers and examining some feelings and seeing what there is to see. When there’s something big to announce, I’ll let you all know.

Until then, at least I feel like I’m moving in a direction.

babies

baby 057

These days I feel at my saddest when I think about babies.

For me, being pregnant sucked … I was so sick for the first 4.5 months and then I was one big bundle of heartburn after that.  During the course of my pregnancy J cheated on me, we got married, and then moved to another state.  He was drunk all the time and after years of talking about how psyched he was to become a father, he didn’t have any interest in the pregnancy.  He never even read the damn baby books I got him.

And now that Darwin’s here J’s better, but it took a good long while.  For the first seven months of Darwin’s life J was drunk and not present at all.  I spent all my time being terrified and horrified and sad beyond belief.  It’s not just that I was suffering from post-partum depression, which I definitely was.  It’s that I believed the person I chose to have a baby with would actually be available to me, would be interested in being a parent, and would take the entire thing seriously.  I wanted Darwin’s existence to be the catalyst for the change that I always wanted to see in J.

As it ended up, it took more than just Darwin’s existence.  It took me telling J that he either had to stop drinking or move out.  And then it took a whole bunch of time and fights and trial and error.  Now, at least, J is present, and starting to turn into a father.  He and I disagree quite drastically on how a lot of this should be done, and he still hasn’t read a single fucking book, but he’s at least available in the fathering realm.

But I am not even vaguely over what happened during the pregnancy and the first seven months of Darwin’s life.  Most of the time I don’t even let myself think about it, because I believe that dwelling on it would simply mean the end of any love or good feelings that I have for J.  Nobody should ever have to deal with what I had to deal with, and the fact that he’s the one who put me through it makes me furious.  Of course, I’m also furious with myself for not doing anything about it.

Anyway.  Long story short, I am not going to have another child with this man.  I don’t trust him enough to do that.  I should have known enough not to trust him in the first place, but I was stupid.  It ain’t going to happen again.

But oh my lord, do I want another child.  I want to experience pregnancy and labor and infancy under good circumstances.  I want to know what it feels like to just be able to enjoy it all, without constantly being so sad that I can barely breathe.  I want to know what it’s like to go through the whole process WITH someone, instead of on my own.  I keep thinking about how different it all could have been if I’d had someone who was there, who was interested, who was supportive.  If I’d had someone to encourage me to go to yoga and eat well and walk a mile everyday.

And now so many of my friends are pregnant or trying to get pregnant or, in the case of A, in labor even as we speak!  The sin I am always the most guilty of is envy and right now is no exception.  I am jealous of everyone else who is starting out on this journey under good circumstances, with support and love and a partner who’s there for them.  I can’t help it … it just makes my chest ache with the wish that I was them.

codependence

Codependency is a pattern of detrimental, behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship or relationships with a partner, family or friends. A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. It involves low-self esteem, seeking for others approval, not having own boundaries with their own thought, feelings and behavior.

Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.

  • tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own
  • continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others
  • anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation
  • difficulty expressing feelings
  • excessive worry how others may respond to one’s feelings
  • undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others
  • self-esteem dependent on approval by others
  • tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others

Anybody have any thoughts on this?  Is this going to be a common theme in ALL my relationships or just this one?  If I was with someone who wasn’t an alcoholic would it be different?  Is it too late to change these patterns in the relationship now?  Is it something I can actually change about myself?  Any thoughts on how to?