thank you, douglas coupland

I don’t want to lose you. I can’t imagine ever feeling this
strongly about anything or anybody ever again.

          This was my unexpected, my
          soul’s connection to you.

You stole my loneliness.
No one knows that I was wishing for you, a thief, to enter my
house of autonomy, that I had locked my doors but my
Windows were open, hoping, but not believing, you
would enter.

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in it

I want to tell you all how I’m doing but the words I’m going to use aren’t even vaguely descriptive enough, so please bear with me.

You know that scene in Garden State when Zach Braff and Natalie Portman are sitting in front of the fireplace, there’s a moment of silence, and Natalie Portman says to him, “You’re in it right now, aren’t you?” …

Well that’s me, folks. I am fucking IN IT right now.

This guy, this beautiful Glaswegian man, showed up and he blew me wide open. He opened me up to my emotions in a way that I couldn’t have seen coming and really wasn’t prepared for. And now here I am deeply inside in every way. I’m full of heartbreak and pain and desperation. I am finding myself processing everything all at once, all the heartbreak from my Scotsman, and from leaving J, and from the years and years of disappointment and sadness and heartbreak before I actually got around to leaving. I am dealing with all of this at once, because there really is no other way to do it. My heart and mind are not giving me an option or a break …

I am in it.

Part 3 of the story …

I finally heard from him today, and he said he’s not interested. Honestly, and I’m really not just saying this … I am absolutely ok with this. It was the waiting that was killing me, the not-knowing.

Even knowing that I’m never going to see him again doesn’t feel bad. Because of him I allowed my heart to open again and I am open to the possibility of love.

And to think all this happened over the course of one short week. Ah, the beautiful craziness of life.

In other news, did you guys hear that Willie Nelson cut his hair? For me this means that one of my ultimate sex symbols has lost some of his power, but I’ll always love him regardless …

Part 2 of the story …

So now here’s the thing about everything that I wrote yesterday …

Even if I never hear from my lovely Scot again, I am intensely grateful to have had this experience. It’s as if I’ve been walking around like an emotional zombie for years now, without the ability or even desire to open myself up to the world’s possibilities. And for the last year it’s been even worse. I have been petrified to allow myself to feel anything. I have been unwilling to let anyone in, to allow even the vaguest possibility of loving or being loved or maintaining any sort of intense personal connection. I have loved and been loved by my friends, but anything more than that wasn’t even a glimmer in my eye.

And then I started doing all this sleeping around, allowing myself to feel something that I hadn’t for a long time … sexual desire and want. And then, as I let those feelings exist in me, I began to realize that I actually did want something more, not simply some random fuck with some random guy who I never wanted to see again. I genuinely wanted an emotional connection. And as soon as I opened myself up to that, basically the very instant that I allowed myself to admit that desire, my beautiful Scot showed up in my life.

I found faith when I left J, which is something I haven’t talked about too much. I found faith in the fact that I had made the right decision. And soon that faith spread its tendrils into every aspect of my life.

So now, as I ride this emotional rollercoaster of feeling more alive than I’ve felt in years, and feeling sad at the same time that I may never see this beautiful man again, I am finding that faith again. I have faith that whatever happens, this man came into my life for a reason. Even if it’s only to have made me feel something again, for the first time in far too long, even if it isn’t that he is the great love of my life, even if all we ever share is one ridiculously spectacular evening together … everything in the universe lined up to bring us together. There was obviously a point to this experience, and whatever that point is, I am exceedingly grateful for it.

The point is this: I hope like hell I hear from him because I think there could be a fantastically wonderful romance in store for us, but if I don’t my heart won’t be broken. It will have, instead, been opened again.

Namaste, my lovelies.

Part 1 of the story …

I’m sitting down to write, but what I might end up doing is a lot of copying and pasting from emails that I wrote today.

Back story first.

About a month ago I joined a dating website. You know that, right? Well, I’ve been doing a lot of dating … although to be honest it’s more been sleeping around than anything else. I went out on one date with a guy who I thought could actually be boyfriend material, but he told me afterwards that he has a policy to not date anyone who’s been divorced for less than a year. Entirely reasonable, and I’m not even mad at him. Everyone else was either someone I wasn’t even vaguely interested in or someone who I was only interested in sexually. There was nothing particularly promising.

So on Sunday Darwin and I had a babysitting job for his best friend, LuLu, whose mother was in labor. We arrived at 5:30am and spent all day there. Darwin and LuLu kept each other entertained all day long, without my even needing to spend too much time paying attention to them. They watched movies and played in a water table and build a house out of straw and chased each other around screaming and acting like crazy little people (which is exactly what they are). But because I had so much free time, I spent a lot of the day hanging out on the dating site. At some point in the afternoon I came across a profile that I was interested in and immediately sent the guy a message.

To make a long story short, we emailed back and forth for a while and then I gave him my phone number. He called, we talked for about 45 minutes, and then spent around 5 hours texting back and forth. It was amazing. We liked the same things, he wants to have kids, and the sexual chemistry was definitely there over the phone. Even when we started listing off our faults neither one of us was phased in the slightest. It was incredible. We arranged to meet up the next evening for our first date.

Well, it was quite possibly the most amazing date of all time. It’s not just that the chemistry was there, but that if my two very best friends in the world got together and designed a man for me, this would be him. He’s Scottish (like from Scotland … sexiest accent ever … I’ve always thought so), is a movie freak, a photographer, a fucking high school history teacher who went to the school I’m going to right now, who is sexy as hell and really, really seemed to like me. We had spectacular sex, which was followed by several hours of discussions and kissing and feeling like the two of us were meant for each other. It was, in a very simplistic word, magic.

But that was two days ago, Monday evening, and I haven’t heard from him since he left my house on Tuesday morning. I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not, because I have no idea what the rules of dating even are. But I have texted him and called at this point, and still no word.

Now, keep in mind one very important thing … this is prom week at his school, and he’s ultra involved in everything that happens at the school, so he’s ridiculously busy. But still, couldn’t he have found a minute to call or text?

So, am I being blow off? Is he as freaked out by the intensity of our evening together as I am, and is just dealing with it in a different way? Is he actually just too busy?

I suppose only time will tell …

broken ice

Well, I broke the ice last night. I went out on a date. Luckily it was just a short one … a late-night meet up for a drink. The best that I can say is that he wasn’t my type. At all. Seriously.

But now that’s done. Now I know that I am capable of putting myself out there in that way.

The best part was that right before I went out to meet him, I called up my best friend feeling totally nervous and freaking out. I asked her what I should do if he’s better than me? And she answered that I couldn’t think that way. She said “you gave a man that power for ten years and you don’t ever want to it again.” The voice of reason … as always.

And she’s right. I let J make me feel like he was better than me basically every day of our life together. I let him drop my self-esteem until it was virtually nonexistent. I gave him that power over me and I never want to do that again.

thank you, Fiona …

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever’s on their mind
they do whatever’s in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

— e.e. cummings

a fucking butterfly

I am in a better place today than I was for the last post. Thank goodness.

I have decided not to be embarrassed about the fact that I joined WeightWatchers. I mean seriously, if it’s going to work (which it totally is) then why should I be embarrassed about it? Also once you start counting points, it’s amazing to discover how many other people out there have done it too (thanks, Faye!). And honestly, As much as I miss eating bagels slathered in butter and ice cream and … you know … whatever I want , I actually feel fantastic! I am astounded at how many vegetables my body can handle without feeling like crap (unlike candy or bagel chips or any of the other stuff I used to snack on).

And, whoah, I joined OKCupid yesterday. A friend of mine, who is also going through a divorce, has been going out on casual dates through this site and has been loving it. So he talked me into trying it. I’m not ready to start actively dating or seeking out a new relationship. I simply have no interest right now. But casual dating and fooling around? I could use some damn fun and games in my life right now.

So yeah. I patently refuse to be a victim to my own circumstances. It would be so easy for me to simply give up, curl up in a ball and die. But I seriously refuse. I ended my relationship with J because I believed that there was something better on the other side. If all I’m allowing myself to find on the other side is misery then I’m acting like a damn idiot. Instead I’m going to make my life better and fuller and more like I want it to be.

Faye, you spoke the truth … a fucking butterfly better come out of this shit. And I have faith that it will.

I can’t sleep.

My life is going through some serious upheaval right now. Some of it is simply good, some of it is impossibly difficult in the long run and will be good in the long.

I started smoking again in November, something which I’m so incredibly embarrassed about that it’s hard to describe. Ugh. After four years of being a nonsmoker I let myself go back to it. How can I not be embarrassed? But now I’m quitting smoking again. Not fun for right now, but it’ll be fine in a month or two. Upheaval #1.

Also I joined WeightWatchers. I am sick and tired of being overweight (60 pounds overweight, to be exact) so I’m taking some damn action. I have made myself a deal … that I am not allowed to be ashamed of the steps I’m taking as long as they are working. So I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I’m counting all my food in points, eating fake meat, and doing all this other silly stuff to try and lower my weight. I’m going to do it and I don’t care how it gets done.

On the same point as the last one, I hired myself a person trainer. He’s a giant dude who REALLY knows his business. He’s awesome and I really like him. So far I’ve only been going to the gym for our appointments, not for the rest of the week. The part of this that I need to do on my own is the cardio part, because with the trainer I only work on strength training. But I’m having a helluva hard time dragging myself to the gym to do the cardio part of this whole working out thing. I’m really interested in trying to turn myself into a runner at some point, but that point is a ridiculously long way off. In order to become a runner I have to start off small, and that’s something I’m having a hard time with. But soon, soon I promise I’ll get going on it.

And I’m exhausted right now, but can’t sleep. I’m hungry and I want a damn cigarette, but I’m out of points and no longer smoking. Oh well. I’ll survive and emerge better than before.