It’s been a while since I’ve written and it’s because I’ve been embarassed about my performance over the last couple weeks. See, I’ve been COMPLETELY slacking off. School and relationship have been hard enough that I’ve been unbelievably stressed out. And in my stress I’ve taken to hermit-ing myself in my house and not interacting with the outside world. This also means that I’ve been forsaking my precious yoga and the gym. What a slacker I’ve been.

And here’s the worst part. See, I used to be anorexic. It wasn’t the worst that it could have been and I’m willing to admit that, but there were definitely anorexic tendencies in me. For about a year I survived on a diet of nothing but a bagel and a small carton of orange juice per day. Honestly, that’s it. And shit … I weighed under a hundred pounds and the truth is that when I looked in the mirror I still saw a VERY lumpy body. Aargh. But see, the problem comes in with the starvation feeling. It’s a feeling that I used to love desperately and it’s a feeling that, in the last couple of weeks, with all the stress going on in my life, I’ve begun to enjoy again. There’s just something that I really enjoy about knowing that my body is craving food and that I’m not giving it any. I like the feeling of intense pain that comes along with not eating for a long time. I like it and that really worries me.

I’ve always been kind of a pain junkie. I have this habit of going and getting pierced whenever things in my life are really bad. I’m currently down to only 6 piercings but I used to have 14. Life’s been difficult occasionally. Huh. Maybe that’s the solution to this problem though. Maybe the next time I’m feeling stressed out and like I need to starve myself for a while I should instead go and get something pierced. And then come home and eat a gigantic salad.

It’s a strange situation to be in … knowing that what I’m doing isn’t good for my body but also knowing how much better it makes me feel about everything else that’s going on.

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Well, I was right. Back up to 132 this morning. I’m not really complaining because I knew it would happen. But there are two things that it made me think about.

1. This brings to mind, much to my chagrin, how much easier it’s always been for me to lose weight the wrong way. Always before I lost weight by completely starving myself, not by eating right and exercising. It’s a bad thing for me to remember because under no circumstances am I starving myself ever again. This isn’t a diet, it’s a life change.

2. I can do it! Just the fact that I was able to see a number under 130 made me happy and helped me to realize that I can do it. It’s going to happen, I just know it! 🙂

I got quite drunk last night for the first time in about 7 years. It was interesting. I woke up this morning starving and VERY dehydrated, hopped on the scale and it read 129.5. I’ve been waiting so long for the scale to be under 130. I know it was just due to serious dehydration and that tomorrow I’ll be back up to 132, like I normally am. But honestly, I was just happy to see the number. Gives me some hope that things haven’t completely stopped moving.

Turns out that my deciding to give myself a break for a couple of days was an interesting decision. I went to Whole Foods yesterday to do some shopping and they were having a chocolate tasting in honor of upcoming Valentine’s Day. Of course, since I was taking a break, I went around and tasted everything that they had to taste. It wasn’t actually all that much, but it was enough. It made me sick. I felt nauseous in a way that I haven’t for a very long time. I was so excited that I couldn’t believe it. Chocolate, making me sick! Well, now I can avoid it without feeling silly.

And, honestly, in the process of giving myself a break I think that I maybe ate 1800 calories as opposed to my normal 1300-1500. I’m just not so interested in the foods that I used to eat.

It’s really interesting how the body changes. I know that if I gave myself the chance I could do this with exercise as well. I just have to give myself the chance. Well, that’s what tomorrow is for, right?

So I’ve decided to give myself a little break from thinking about all of this. As of late thinking about it isn’t doing me any good anyways, so I might as well just stop thinking about it for a little while. So on Monday I’m back on the good track, but from now until then, I’m free to do what I want. Of course, the funny part about this is that what I want is basically on track: tofu, salad, fresh fruit. I think I’m actually managing to change how I feel about food, and that’s just about the best news imaginable.

It also seems to me that maybe the goals I’ve been setting for myself have been too unreasonable. My life’s been really hard and complicated recently and if on top of it all I’m to pissed at myself for not making it to the gym 5 times last week, then my life is only made more complicated. So here are my goals for next week:

-yoga on Tuesday

-maybe yoga on Saturday for the Valentine’s Day couple yoga thing, or just plain old regular yoga

-try one of the yoga classes at the gym

-make it to the gym two times other than that, either for classes or just for working out on machines/weights

Doesn’t seem too unreasonable, does it? And then we’ll work our way up from there. Baby steps…

I’ve been too depressed to do anything good for myself. My life is sucking my will to live. Aargh.

Although, of course, I spent all day today hanging out alone and working on organizing and cleaning my room. I had forgotten how much fun it is to be seriously productive. I really like doing things and getting them done. Definitely makes me enjoy life more.

I’ve been doing all these things wrong that I know are wrong but I do them anyway: staying up really later and eating to keep myself awake, not having breakfast so that by the time lunch rolls around I’m starving and have no control over what I eat, convincing myself that I actually can handle that one bite of cheesecake and that it won’t turn into an entire piece, hanging out with people who have no desire to control what they eat, etc.

I’m telling you … NO MORE! I’m back on track and I’m serious this time.

I am sick and tired of this shit. I’m sick and tired of feeling like crap about myself because I’m not doing well enough, because I’m not skinny enough, because I’m not putting in all the effort that I think I should be. I’m sick and tired of wanting to be someone that I’m not. I’m sick and tired of wanting to do things that I don’t end up doing. I’m sick and tired of my own fucking inadequacies.

Truth is, I’m full of crap. I keep on doing the one thing that I really promised myself I wouldn’t do: I keep on talking about everything I want to do, all my plans and schemes, and then not following through. It seems like such a waste of time and energy. I know what I have to do in order to get myself in shape and I just avoid it because it’s easier that way. Well no more. I’m sick and tired of being that person who can’t do anything because they’re holding themself back.

This has been a shitty day filled with people (including myself) telling me what a terrible person I am. I’m exhausted and deflated and lonely and pissed off right now. I just need to go to bed. Hopefully everything will seem better in the morning.