Today I’m feeling overwhelmingly, heart-achingly sad. Sometimes I feel like my life is out of my control and I don’t know how I got here or how to get out.
I’m 50 pounds overweight and I’m having a bitch of a time getting myself to do anything about it. I know once I start keeping my momentum up will not be too hard. But for right now inertia is killing me, and I’m feeling incredibly sad that I’m not doing anything to change. Sadness makes me eat. Vicious cycle.
I’m in a fairly unhappy marriage. It’s not that we’re going through a bad patch, it’s that we’re unhappy together and we occasionally go through good patches. Right now is not one of those times. Usually vacations give us enough time together doing cool stuff to spice up and improve our life together for a while. But that didn’t happen on this vacation. We, in fact, had a horrible time and it took a serious toll. Right now nothing is particularly good and I’m really feeling the effects of that.
I have a 2 year-old son who’s going through exactly what any 2 year-old is supposed to be going through – testing limits, throwing fits, having tantrums, etc. But my emotional state is not conducive to dealing with it … I get more frustrated and angry with him every day, and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to be helpful in the long run. What I want is to be calm, and not super emotionally invested, so that when I punish him I’m not doing it out of frustration, I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do and will have long-term benefits for his life.
Also, I’ve reached the point where according to my biological clock and my deep-seated emotional desires I want another baby. I want my son to have siblings and emotionally now feels like the right time. Except that it’s so obviously not and my lovely brain knows that. So my emotions are constantly warring with my brain and I’m in this giant tail-spin of wanting a baby and knowing that, in all likelihood, I’m never going to have another one. Or at least I’m not going to have another one while my life is like this.
I have no career and no prospects for one. I’m working a job which doesn’t require me to ever use my brain. Maybe some people wouldn’t have a problem with this, but I’m actually smart enough that I find it frustrating and saddening. My job is just fine, but I want something more.
And that’s just it … I want something more. My husband, when we’re fighting, complains that I’m always waiting for other people to do the hard work for me, that I’m happy to simply sit back in my bubble and wait for the world to change itself to fit my needs. Is he right? Am I not taking an active enough role in my own life? Am I waiting for someone/something to come and save me?
I want something more. It’s up to me to make that happen. How do I do it? What steps do I take?